Calming the Mind

Quitting Addiction: Identify the Needs Your Addiction Fills

We have addictions, unhealthy habits, because we’re filling needs. I eat sugar to feel loved!

If we want to quit an addiction, we first need to understand that addictions aren’t random. They don’t just descend on us by accident. We have them for a reason (or three).

One of the things I do in life is help people create habits, meditation habits, and I realized pretty quickly that habits and addictions are basically the same thing. Only, a habit is something we like (we view as healthy), and an addiction is something we don’t like (we view as unhealthy). All habits give us things, which is why we do them. So, if you’re working with a habit you’d like to stop, like my sugar addiction, one of the things to think about is what do you get from your habit?

Like for me, yes, I get a cookie (Yay!), and I also get an emotional satisfaction, of feeling loved. Or it could also be a physical satisfaction or a mental satisfaction. But there’s something I’m getting when I follow through with that addiction, when I eat the cookie. There’s something that I get from that action.

Understand that the reason that you have this addiction, the reason you keep doing this thing, is to get that feeling, to be in that state; to have that mental, emotional, physical experience. If you’re trying to stop that addiction, or change that addiction, or reduce that addiction, one of the things you need to do is figure out how can you give yourself that state, that mental, emotional, physical ‘whatever it is’ in a healthy way.

That’s really important to feel into. Imagine you’re doing your addiction. What’s the feeling you get? Is it a physical sensation? An emotional sensation? A mental high? What is it? It might be all those things!

In my case it’s feeling loved. It’s feeling hugged. It’s feeling warm and beautiful inside. How can I give myself that state in a different way?
Because if I just stop eating sugar, if you just stop doing whatever it is you’re doing, that’s fine. I can not eat the cookie, but I’m still going to crave that feeling. Every time I stop sugar, if I’m not replacing it with that thing, I will go through this cycle over and over and over and over… It’s never ending. Until I figure out what the replacement is, and I do that. Maybe I go hug my husband, or I find a dog to love. Something that gives me this feeling of love, and joy, and comfort, and warmth, and hug, and all of these things.

This is the key to changing your addiction, to stopping your addiction:
First, figure out what it’s giving you. What feeling or state are you getting from it?
Then, what can you replace it with that gives you that same state, that’s healthy?
Do that.
Go hug someone.
Make that a habit.

I hope that helps.

Melting into Awakening

When I have a peak spiritual experience, it’s challenging to not try to recreate it. I can’t cross the same river twice, so it never works.

I know that by now, and yet that grasping part is still here! My next meditation was all about holding that part, supporting it, and letting it relax into it’s flip side, the drive to open and let what ever is here be here. I did a 3 hour meditation where not much happened. I noticed that the more I could support that part, the more I relaxed into nothing spectacular happening… incremental changes happened. I melted into a deeper state that has lasted since then.

Beautiful.

Insomnia Melting into Sleep

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKOexGhiEdc&t

Frustrated with your attempts to cure your insomnia with meditation? I realized that the frustration itself was keeping me awake! I also realized that if I could relax into being just 10% calmer (versus frustrated the I still wasn’t asleep!), that I’d sink 10% deeper, then 10% more… Eventually, I was 30% closer… Melting slowly. Melting slowly to sleep. If nothing else, melting, relaxing is a restful practice.

Group Practice Helps Personal Practice

Things feel pretty chaotic to me, and practicing meditation would help. But I’m having a hard time motivating myself to sit for more than a few minutes. (Sit, stand, walk, move, whatever.) I just knocked off balance, and if I’d been practicing regularly, even for 10 minutes a day, I would have been able to stay more centered. Lesson re-learned: when things are getting hairy, pay attention to that inner voice that says, “You need to start meditating a bit everyday!” I didn’t, and now I’m regretting it. No time like the present to heed my own advice!

So, how to get motivated to sit in this off-centered state?

Group practice to the rescue! I know that if I practice with others, it’ll motivate me to do my own. I’m going to organize a group practice, of people who already know how to meditate, to come and do it together. No guidance, it’s simply bring your own practice (BYOP : ) and we do them in the same space.

The synergy is beautiful. When I’ve done this in the past, it’s been magical.

Just the idea of this is helping me sit, and we haven’t even started yet!

If this is you, get a few friends together who know how, and meditate. Simple. Even if it’s just once, it can jump start your current practice, and off you go. And if there ever was a good time to practice, it’s now!

Enjoy!

Make no decisions when you’re afraid

Mortal fear shifts us into a neurological state commonly called ‘fight, flight or freeze’. The autonomic nervous system takes over in milliseconds making significant bio-chemical shifts (dumping out cortisol, adrenaline, changing systemic blood flows, etc.) one of which is preferring the hind brain for instant decision making… this mental speed comes at the cost of complexity as it’s largely binary. It’s as intelligent as yes/no or more likely run/fight. This is perfect if the danger is an incoming train or a burning house, but not great for complex social, economic or political decisions.

There’s a lot of fear floating around these days and what’s been helping me is to recognize when I’m in fear and NOT make decisions from it. This is where my self-awareness practices come in handy! I acknowledge the fear and let it pass before doing or saying what ever seemed like a good idea in that binary state… Usually I’m thankful I did.

I’m encouraging you to also recognize when you’re in fear – you likely have a lot of opportunities these days – and let it pass before making any decisions. Wait for your whole brain to come back online, giving yourself to make the best decisions possible.

You’ll likely be thankful you did. As will your family, friends, community and world. Certainly, I’m rooting for you!

May we all move through these things with grace and wisdom, health and happiness.
Much Love, Elena

Are you bigger than your mind?

I know that you are, but how can YOU know whether that’s true if it isn’t your current experience?

Most modern humans only experience themselves as their mind (including emotions). Anyone telling them they they’re bigger than that just sounds like a crazy person!

Or at best like they are having a really different experience than you are… which isn’t so helpful.

As a Mindfulness Coach, I task myself with explaining the “unexplainable”… helping your mind understand that you are much bigger than it, despite what your mind thinks (and experiences)… and despite it’s limited ability to see anything outside of itself.

It’s a little bit like getting your eyeball to see itself.

Tricky, hey?

I’ve been “thinking” about it for years. ;)
Here’re my latest ideas for you to play with.

Enjoy,
Elena

How to Ditch the Blues

Ever felt a bit lost or lonely or depressed?
(Ah, welcome to humanity circa… modern times.)

What about those times when you go into a spiral of lost, lonely or depressed that you can’t seem to get out of? Yuck!

That happened to me a few weeks ago, and I want to share with you how I got out of it!

❖ Ruminating ❖
First, I used to live this way most of the time. For me, I would get lost in my head, thinking about things, disconnected from any other intelligent part of me that could offer perspective, like my gut instinct or my emotional intelligence.

I’d start thinking about things like, “Why did he say that to me? Why did that happen? How can I defend what I did in response? How am I right in this situation? How is he wrong?”

I’d play the scene over and over in my head.
Sound familiar? Most of us do this type of thing. (Yay, us.)
It’s call ruminating in meditation circles, as in chewing over the same ideas over and over again…

Recently, I totally went into this heady downward spiral about reality… “What is reality? Is there any such thing as objective truth? How can I ever know?” It was a depressing mess that lasted about two weeks. Icky.

❖ Head, Body/Instinct, Emotional Intelligence ❖
Some people get lost in their heads, others in their bodies, others in their emotions. The point isn’t so much which intelligence center you choose, the problem is more that you’re getting stuck in it!

One way out is to remember that you have more than one way to “think” about or relate to things.

❖ Solution: Get Perspective ❖
One solution?
If you get stuck in your head, drop down into your body and see how you feel about it. Check out your emotions and see what your emotional intelligence has to say. Where ever you’re stuck, jump to somewhere else. Stuck in your body/instinctual reactions? Check out what your head thinks about it.

All of these parts are intelligent and accessing different ones of them can help you get out of being stuck in any one part! It’s not that the other parts will have the answers, it’s more that you’ll gain a broader perspective, which reminds you not to get stuck in the “knowing” of any one center.

Make sense? It’s kind of like asking for different opinions to broaden your thinking on a subject… suddenly the world gets bigger, the way seems clear and less depressing.

❖ Solution: Self-Care ❖
Another way out of ruminating is to focus on taking care of your body. We often stop taking good care of ourselves when we get stuck, so make sure you’re exercising, eating and sleeping well.

❖ Talk to People Different Than You (Social Perspective) ❖
Also, you could go and actually talk to other people, especially people who process information differently than you. If you’re heady, go talk to an instinctual or emotion based person. You don’t need to share your issues, more just get different perspectives on things. That can pop you out, too.

All of this is pretty simple and won’t pop you out of major depression. They are great tools for your everyday sorts of nastiness.

❖ Solution: Meditation (Personal Perspective) ❖
For me I needed to start practicing meditation again. I had stopped, as often happens in these cases, I had dropped my healthy habits. As soon as I sat down to practice and accessed my deeper wisdom, BOOM! I was out! Two weeks of nasty blues ended in 3 seconds. Amazing.

Do whatever it takes to get perspective. The healthy stuff, of course. And see what happens. Go ahead. Surprise yourself.

Enjoy,
Elena
www.ElenaFoucher.com

The Utility of Honest Friendships

Do you have a friend that you can be honest with? That you feel safe enough with that you can give and receive truth from, even when it’s not so comfortable?

Most relationships are more surface, which is usually a good thing.
Most of us aren’t equipped to hear what everyone really thinks, and most of us think so many goofy things, that it’s not great to be sharing all that silliness anyway. Certainly my inner critic does not need to be given free rein to speak her mind to everyone all the time!

Still, it’s good to have a friend that you respect deeply and can be honest with.

Why? Two good reasons that I can think of:

  1. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone about what’s really going on with you. Sometimes the act of verbalizing helps you recognize what’s happening. If you talk to a surface level friend, you’re not going to be so comfortable sharing your deeper thoughts and feelings, and this sharing won’t be so helpful.
  2. Sometimes it can be really helpful to share with someone who can give you honest feedback about what they see in you. “Hey, Elena, I think you’re missing something here. This might be heard to hear, but have you thought about it like this?”

This can be life saving! I recently went through two weeks of internal craziness, getting lost in my wacky brain. When I finally got around to meditating, I felt much better, and then hours later talking to friends helped me clarify what had happened. Listening to myself be totally honest with them about my experience helped me understand what I had done… and how to recognize if it started happening again.

Journaling is another great way to do this. Journaling helps you get clear about what you think and feel. The added bonus with friends is that they can talk back to you. “Yep, Elena, that sounds like you. I think you’re right on target. Something else that might help…”

Priceless. Honest friendships are like gold. Wonderful resources. Great places to give and get wisdom, joy, honesty, perspective, reflection, etc.

If you don’t have a friendship like this at the moment, it can be helpful to feel into who in your current circle of friends you feel the most comfortable being honest with. Which relationship could shift out of just “being nice” and into deeper territory. There’s likely someone there, the relationship will just take some investment on your part to deepen.

Enjoy,
Elena
www.ElenaFoucher.com

The Biggest Challenge Is Your Own Mind (Enlightenment Not Necessary!)

The biggest challenge to realizing that you’re more than your thoughts (as well as creating the new habit of thinking with more than your current limited set) – is NOT becoming enlightened, needing to sit in a cave, or clean yourself up. 

Nope. None of that is necessary. 

Actually, it’s your tricky mind that you need to work with. None of that other stuff is necessary. Whatever it is that you think you need to do, or be, or fix, or clean, or, or, or… Not necessary.

Really.

You’re already equipped with a larger consciousness than your mind. You’re born with it. It’s natural. Inherent. You came in that way. You’re that way right now, you’re just not paying attention to it, because you’re so busy paying attention to your more limited set of thoughts and feelings!

The biggest challenge I have with my tricky mind is that, like yours, it’s infinitely creative. How to stop paying attention to something so compelling?

That was the tough part for me.
Still is. To this day, I still practice focusing with my larger consciousness, because I’m still incredibly interested in what my (more limited) mind and feelings are telling me. I’m still creating the habit of presence, of awareness with daily practice. 

I look at regular meditation practice like brushing my teeth. It’s mental floss.

The good news is that we’ve already got the solution, the ability built in. The challenge is choosing to do it!