3m11s video, 1m read time.

What do you do when you want to assert your thoughts and feelings and you know the person you’re talking to doesn’t agree with you?

It’s good to share what we think and feel with each other, and it’s even better to do it in a way that creates connection and support versus divisiveness and pain.

I’ve been working on this for years and I’m still not very good at it.

An assertiveness course that I took said it’s important to be respectful. Sounds good and yet I’m usually feeling in opposition to what’s been said, so respect is hard to lean into in that moment. I know that I still have respect for the person, it’s just hard to express that when my main mental-emotional state at the moment is something like, “Well, that’s completely wrong!”

I think that cultivating respect for people and ideas is an excellent thing to do… It’s just challenging in that situation, and I’d love some ideas for what to do that is closer to what I’m feeling. Basically, I need some more steps to move me from, “You’re wrong!” to “I respect you.”

Interestingly, quite a few times, I’ve done this by first taking the time to say that I respect the person and their ideas and that I want to share an idea of mine that is different. The problem here is that by then I’ve created so much connection that they usually bend over backwards (unconsciously) to harmonize our ideas! Yikes!

At that point, I feel like I don’t really know what they think anymore! And we definitely can’t have a useful conversation where we explore our differences. Messy.

So, what do you do?

How do you approach being in opposition without being rude or divisive and without creating so much connection that the other person wants to agree with you regardless?

I’d love your thoughts!

Happy Asserting!,
Elena