Hello Beautiful Souls,
Ok, it’s happening.
Someone is doing or saying something you don’t like or asking for something you don’t want to give and alarm bells are going off in your head and heart.
You feel really uncomfortable, maybe even angry, and you want to address it.
A boundary needs to be set…
Here we go with Assertiveness 101.
I’ve just created this new crib sheet for us to play with.
You’re welcome to test it out with me. Below is a video for those who prefer to watch, and a more comprehensive text for those who prefer to read. They’re a bit different, so if you really resonate with this topic, consider both.
Let us know how it goes, especially if you have any suggestions for upgrades or experiences to share with the community. I really appreciate it when you share as we all benefit from each others experiential wisdom.
Let’s dive in… a comprehensive guide for being assertive
Before you say anything…
First, ground yourself in whatever way you ground yourself, aka resource yourself. Basically, you create a feeling of relative safety in yourself via breath work, visualizations, physical sensations (I’m going to practice feeling my feet on the ground, and my body supported by Gaia.), etc.. Whatever you do, do that first.
Second, center in your self – whatever you do to go as deeply into your truth as possible in any given moment. For me this is to literally put my attention on the physical center of my body, my Central Channel, and feel what’s there. Caveat here, you’re not feeling great, so there will be some challenging emotions and sensations on the way, so don’t get caught up in them! Keep going. They’re allowed to be here – indeed we’re honoring them – we just don’t want to stop here and get lost in them. Thank them, allow them, and keep going to the center where there is relative calm. It’s like being inside of a storm, it’s all welcome- and I’m centered in the eye of the storm. Sounds good anyway. Sometimes this works well for me, sometimes not. If you aren’t sure about this step, skip it.
Third, if you’re really uncomfortable you might only be able to state that, so decide/feel into the best way to state that or whatever you’re going to say. Choose your favorite method of presenting your assertion like making “I” statements about your feelings, speaking truthfully (avoiding passive aggressiveness, belittling, dishonesty), assuming good intent, etc..
If you’re already able to see or feel a solution do the same for that now – get your assertion and your solution ready.
Before you say your assertion or your assertion + solution, gently signaling that something charged is coming can be really helpful. This creates a safe container for both of you. It gives you the opportunity to herald what’s coming and to set the tone by infusing the signal with calm kindness. This helps the person feel included in your process versus feeling blind-sided and attacked out of no where. “Friend, I want to share what’s happening for me here.” or “Are you ok if I share how I feel right now?” Containers are important!
Asserting yourself verbally…
Fourth, when you’re ready signal what’s coming (create a kind container) and then assert how and what you’re going to assert, either a.) simply that you’re uncomfortable or b.) that you’re uncomfortable + your idea for a possible solution.
Shew! You did it! Bravo.
And now for The (Dreaded) Response…
Fifth, expect resistance. So, while they’re responding make sure you’re resourcing and centering. Remember that just because they are resisting doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong. (Thank you, Jayne Hoyles Counselling!)
Also, it takes two to fight, so as long as you stay relatively calm and firm, at least one of you will not be fighting. They probably won’t be doing employing the resources you are, so keep using yours and allow them time and space to come down on their own. If it’s intimates (partners, family) you may need give everyone some time, at this point you may opt to end the conversation as kindly as you can letting them know you’d like to continue later. You can even bring this back to you and say honestly, “I’d like to continue after I’ve had time to consider the situation more calmly” If that’s authentic for you, that could be a great way to diffuse the situation.
Also remember that reasoning with people who are angry rarely works, so waiting until they regain calm can help a lot. If it’s not an intimate, if it’s a colleague or friend, you continuing to be kind and calm even if they resist at first will help immensely because you keep setting that as the tone. Few people want to fight, so most will respond in kind if you’re patient. Not easy. Helpful.
Finally Discussing a Mutual Solution &/or Closing…
Sixth, now is the time to discuss a mutual solution if one is needed.
Seventh, kindly and clearly end this part of your conversation by closing the container.
Say something appropriate like “Thank you. I appreciate discussing this.” or “It was helpful for me to express that. Thank you.” This helps everyone relax, knowing that you’ve finished saying what you wanted to say, and a solution has been reached if needed – even if it’s we don’t have a solution now – and we can move on.
It’s good to resource and center again here.
What you’ve just done is challenging and your system will be on alert on some level. Doing what you can here to consciously relax and release the stress will smooth out the rest of your interaction. They may not be doing this, and you still can. Again, one of you calm will help both of you.
If something around your boundary comes up again, explicitly reopen the container, “Hey, I want to tell you how I’m feeling again.” vs just launching it. This will keep both of you safe vs them potentially feeling attacked with out warning.
This is WAAAAY too many things to remember, so once that all makes sense, here is a
Summary of Steps:
- Resource
- Center
- Decide assertion (+ solution)
- Kindly say Container. Then assertion. (Then solution.)
- Resource & Center (incase of resistance). Maintain Kind & Calm.
- Discuss Solution (if appropriate)
- Close Container + Resource & Center