Breaking the Cycle of Struggle

breaking the cycle of struggleSometimes struggle is about doing the same thing over and over and getting no where. It’s like the wrong kind of perseverance. If we’re persevering to struggle, then all we’re really doing is putting lots and lots of energy into getting no where. It’s like we’re just stuck in the fight or the play. It’s a habit.

So what’s the difference between struggling, getting no where, and perseverance, that gets us somewhere?

Let’s stop for a moment and recognize that we’re talking about getting somewhere on the physical-mental-emotional plane and not on the spiritual plane where there is no where to go and nothing to do. I’m talking about getting out of the mental-emotional traps that I’ve created for myself. The endless loops of negativity that I keep myself stuck in and things like that. The fighting with myself that repeats over and over and changes insignificantly… berating myself, feeling unworthy, thinking that I should have done things better, feeling guilty, etc, etc, etc.

This is the fighting and wallowing and creating drama kind of struggle that goes no where and uses up lots of energy and focus. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

And when is that different from working with something and getting somewhere with it? When are we breaking the old patterns and creating something new?

An important question seems to be, where am I in relation to it?

Am I looking at it from the place that I usually do? Am I considering it from the normal perspective with the usual thoughts, feelings and postures? Am I standing and breathing the same way, thinking the same way and feeling the same way? That tends to promote the struggle, because nothing different than the old struggle is happening. This is perpetuating the cycle. Instead it’s when I am feeling it and thinking about it from different places that seems to make the difference. When I can stand differently and breathe differently that changes struggle to perseverance.

Can I step outside of the situation and look at it from a different perspective, like taking a bird’s eye view? Can I bring a totally new emotional landscape to it, preferably one that is expansive in some way? Can I think about it in a totally new way, with a new frame of mind? Can I breathe deeper or differently and break the physical patterning? Any one of these help shift the dynamic.

Taking Things Personally

Taking things personallyI’ve been writing a lot lately about struggle. As a world-class struggler, I have a lot to say about it apparently. I started with a long list of successful strategies for struggle. That was enlightening. I didn’t realize that I knew so many! Wow, do I know a lot of them. Wow, have I employed a lot of them!

One thing that I have begun to see with this exploration of struggle is that a big part of it relies on us insisting that things are personal. What do I mean by that? It definitely deserves some explanation as it has become a great thing for me to explore and understand!

Taking things personally works something like this: things that happen in my reality are about me. They effect me because I experience them and I hang on to that effect and turn it into something important and, well, personal – something about me, something pertaining to me. If a waitress brings me something that I didn’t order I can feel upset. I might be upset for any number of reasons that are all centered around me and my self-worth, like that bringing me the wrong order is insulting because she didn’t listen to me, she didn’t respect me enough to listen to what I was saying. Or bringing me the wrong order is a waste of my time. Now I have to sit here and wait for my meal to arrive a second time and I am hungry! Maybe my friends now have their food and either I have to watch them eat. How humiliating for me and uncomfortable! Or they have to wait for me and let their food get cold. How rude of me and of her!

This is taking things personally. This is making things personal.

Another way to look at this, that isn’t personal is to do things like think about the fact that the waitress is a complex being with a lot going on. Whatever happened to create the situation could have absolutely nothing to do with you. At all. She might have heard you just fine and then gotten the order mixed up with a similar one from the table next to you. It might not have had anything to do with her either… maybe the cook read the order wrong, told her the order for your table was ready and so she simply brought it to you.

This is all pretty silly when looked at like this. And yet it happens all the time. We take things personally. We assign meaning related to ourselves when we don’t need to. And this is important because we often assign feelings to it as well. That may seem fine when we feel good. What happens when we feel bad?

And this is all really silly if you think that things that happen in your life should be related to you, that they do have personal meaning. And maybe they do.

And what if they don’t?

Opens up a whole new vista doesn’t it?

Enjoy,

Elena

The Failure Challenge

This is a challenge to reframe failure…

Next time you reach a moment of failure, see if you can reframe it as a moment to reassess what you’re doing and where you are going.

If you’re failing that means you are doing something, so what have you learned? How have you changed? What can you do better now? And has your goal changed?

Failure is a chance to see how you’ve evolved, upgrade what you’re doing and let your goals evolve as you do.

Enjoy!,

Elena

 

Why Fixing Things Doesn’t Work

why fixing things doesn't workDon’t you just love it when you realize something? Like a suddenly you understand something that has never made much sense to you no matter how many times you’ve heard it before? I love that!

Today, I accidentally realized why working on things can be a big waste of time. I had a terrible, melt-down kind of day today. I went to bed exhausted, and when I woke up I didn’t get out of bed for three hours. I laid there feeling into how bad I felt, and inviting it to express itself and move on. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I had crazy dreams that didn’t seem to help much other than make me realize that I was still feeling terrible. Finally, I gave in and got up.

Then I had a business meeting with my husband. Well, tried to. He gently and adroitly asked if I felt like “we” were in any state to have this meeting? He was very calm, as I first baited him and then he just listened as I described how I was feeling. We just sat there in the light of what I just shared.

I didn’t try to fix it. I was just miserable. I didn’t try to make it bigger or wallow in it. I just felt it.

And as we sat there for a few minutes in silence, I shed a few silent tears and started feeling better.

Nothing was fixed. Nothing was solved. Nothing had changed as far as my mind was concerned. And I felt better.

I still feel like I need to really cry and other than that it has passed.

As I was walking up the hill on my way home this evening, I reflected that just shining light on the situation, just sharing it openly and having it witnessed by another was enough. It didn’t need fixing this time.

It just needed to be exposed. Outed.

Like so many secrets or dark things, shining the light on them can be enough.

Walking up, I realized why people say that sometimes fixing things doesn’t work. Sometimes if we jump into fix it mode we miss the opportunity for the problem to go away on its own. We miss the opportunity for it to fix itself. We might even be holding it in place sometimes when we do this, because we move the much needed light of focus away from the problem and shine it on “the solutions” instead.

So, I ask pardon for all of those times I tried to fix anyone! Please forgive me. I am sorry. Sometimes we want solutions, and sometimes it’s better to just give the thing the breathing room to heal itself. Voila! It passes.

Judging Judgements

IMG_2642Oh ho! how fun it is to play with all the poo in my head… and to notice how is plays with me.

I’ve been looking at the all of those things that I think about others and keep to myself… that constant stream of criticisms that form in an instant, come with resentment, anger, sadness, fear, pain, etc., and never get spoken. I keep them in because I think that other people won’t like me if I tell them these thoughts. And I don’t really feel the feelings either because I feel so guilty about feeling them in the first place.

It happened because I was, stuck in my own mud, full to the brim with all of this undigested crud, and someone pointed out that I was full of unspoken judgements! Eek! No one was supposed to know!

Haha. Everyone knows. First of all, many of us do this very same thing, and secondly we feel it when someone is being critical, even if it’s silent and we don’t really know what we’re feeling.

After a week or so of looking at this, this is what is working so far to move the muck.

First, I notice when I’m being critical. “Wow, that’s me thinking that she’s a pain in my bum, again. Oh! And here’s me judging myself for being judgmental again!”

Second, I’ve been feeling the feeling that is behind the criticism. This part is pretty interesting, because I try not to think about it, I try to just feel it, thanks to this interview Benoit Foucher did with Paul Cooper, and what a difference that makes! As he points out, once we really feel it, the reason behind it will surface naturally. And, of course, it turns out that my criticisms are because I’m feeling bad about myself. What a surprise. Haha.

Once I can feel the feeling, things get softer. Whether the reason surfaces or not, just digesting the emotion, just letting the emotion express itself, is making a huge difference.

I’m still judgmental. I’m just much more aware as I’m doing it, so I don’t unconsciously direct the emotion at the other. I stop and feel the emotion and that feels much better. Whew!

All in all, a much nicer place to be!

New Goal: 90 – 10

On top of the Rockies!  I just read this great idea of focusing 90% of the time on positive things and only 10% on negative things.

So all that time I spend fixing what’s wrong, would only take up  10% of my time.

And all the love and laughter would be the ENTIRE other 90%.

That’s a ratio worth living!

This really came home to me yesterday when I realized that this shadow work that I was doing didn’t have to be so depressing… I could actually ask myself to have fun with it. Fun looking at my deepest, darkest crud? Well why not?! I get to decide how I do things, where I focus my attention, where I focus my energies… whether I revel in the bright sides or lull myself asleep with the heavy darkness. So, I’m trying it and so far it’s much nicer. The dark is still dark and I’m reminded to not take it so seriously, reminded to keep my distance from it, that I am not it.

Then this 90 – 10 idea floated by and it felt like a great idea to live by and confirmation of my decision. Isn’t the Universe grand?

Thanks Universe. Thanks whomever wrote that idea down.

Enjoy!,

Elena

 

Acknowledging vs Cultivating Fear

Fear is a natural emotion and yet sometimes we have a hard time interacting with it in a healthy way. Unconscious, fear-based habits can be especially tough to break.

Here’s a simple method that helps me break fear patterns.

I’d love to know what you do to break your fear patterns.

Enjoy,
Elena

What kind of meditation should I do?

Trail MarkerWant to learn to meditate? Not sure where to begin? After 10 years of practicing and 4 years of teaching here are my suggestions. 

Most people are surprised when I tell them I quit meditating after two weeks of trying. I made a big mistake. I like to move, and for some odd-ball reason I decided to sit still and focus on my breath. I was terrible at it. I gave up in frustration, and it wasn’t until I was introduced to moving meditation a few days later that I began to discover how amazing it can be.

Now, I consider meditation my main power tool, my absolute best tool for transformation. It is with out doubt the single best thing that I do to realize the joy of being human. It’s that useful.

First, what is meditation?

For me, “meditation” refers to two main things: meditative practices and meditative states.

Simply, the practices are things you do to achieve the physical, mental, emotional, energetic and spiritual states.

There are thousands of practices, each suiting different kinds of people, and just as many states, each depending the skill level and goals of the practitioner.

Second, let’s look at the different kinds of practices.

I like to define each practice by what it focuses on. Almost all practices focus on breath, and then fold in an additional focus like a mantra (a word or words you repeat), an external object (a candle, an image of a flower, etc), mental visualizations (imagining yourself at relaxing places like the beach for instance), or  your movements (for moving meditations).

So, a really important question for you to answer is, what you would like to focus on?

Are you auditory and would enjoy saying/singing a word or phrase? Are you visual and prefer looking at things?  Do you have a strong imagination and enjoy visualizing?  Are you kinesthetic and like feeling the sensation of your body moving? Or do you want a combination of several of these things?

When you’re searching for a meditation to learn, look at different practices and determine the focus(es) of each. Then decide which one is most likely to naturally capture your attention. Decide what would you enjoy focusing on.

In the beginning, usually most challenging thing is the act of focusing at all, no matter what you choose to focus on. This is why it’s important to choose something that naturally captures your attention, something that you enjoy focusing on. Be kind to yourself and choose something you want to pay attention to!

There is a meditation out there that will interest you: singers can sing, poets can speak, painters can gaze, dreamers can dream, dancers can dance, etc. Find the artist in you and play. If you find the idea of play uninspiring, you just might be one of the few people who would enjoy starting out with a silent, sitting practice that focuses solely on your breath. Go for it!

Whatever it is, you can imagine that if you start by focusing on something that you like paying attention to, focusing will be that much easier. 

Country ParkThird, let’s think about the states you want to achieve.

There’re a wide range of goals to go for, all the way from stress reduction to uncovering divinity. Meditation has it’s roots in the metaphysical exploration of reality, and in the modern world you have the option of going as deep – or not – as you like. You can simply meditate for 3 breaths to lower your cortizol levels or you can spend the rest of your life in a cave realizing your divinity. It’s all being offered, so you’ll want to decide where on the continuum to start your exploration.

You can’t tell the goal of a practice by how it’s done, by the physical mechanics of it. That 3 breath stress reduction meditation can be the exact same practice used in the cave. The difference is in the intention. The intention will change how the practice is talked about, the words used in the instructions and most importantly where the practitioner is willing to go with it. The stress reduction practitioner doesn’t pay attention to the deeper effects, doesn’t cultivate them, and thus may not allow the practice to draw her deeper into herself. The cave dweller does those same 3 breaths, relaxes and pays attention to the ever subtler layers of subterranean information welling up inside her. Same physical practice, different intentions.

When you’re looking at a practice and wanting to determine its goal, notice how the practice is being talked about, what words are being used and what outcomes are listed. If the description doesn’t make the intention clear enough for you, read through the instructions themselves to see if they resonate for you. You can also look for the intention of whomever is presenting it by checking out the site it’s posted on,  reading more of the book it’s in, or asking the instructor.

Fourth, how do you stay motivated to meditate?

You can learn meditation from a book, an article, a video, an online course, an in-person course, etc, etc, etc. If you start searching online you’ll find many many practices that you can study.

Many people find it really motivating to do things with other people, so establishing your practice by doing it with others can be really beneficial. In the beginning, I recommend taking a class with other students and a live teacher (on or off-line). This is a great way to get any questions answered, discuss your experiences and get encouraged by other students, as well as helping you create a habit over time – at least for the length of the course! Alternately, you ask people if they want to be practice partners and meet regularly to do the practices in person or on-line or  exchange emails or texts regularly about your practices.

There are online courses available with live teachers and discussion forums where you can share your experiences and questions with other students. If you want to learn in person, look around and see what’s available in your area and go with the one that feels the best, i.e. you like
the people and the setting, which will translate into the most supportive environment for you.

DaVinci

Finally, transformation…

What ever meditation you choose, give your practice a bit of time, a chance to succeed.  In the beginning, even simple things like breathing can feel like a challenge! Like most things, it get’s easier with practice, so be patient.

These disciplines are life changing and will likely shake some things up for you. Find a trusted friend that’s willing to listen, or journal when you need to reflect on what’s happening for you.

Meditation is a power tool for transformation. At first you may feel like a two pound weakling wielding a sledge hammer. Be patient. Soon you’ll uncover your inner Da Vinci.

Enjoy your practice.