Hello Beautiful Souls,

It’s safe to say that assertiveness is challenging for most of us, largely because we’re asking ourselves to be respectful (or at least civil) when a boundary has been crossed. I’m feeling bad, and now I need to tell you about it. Challenging.

Before we start with how to be assertive, let’s look at some things to do to before we get there… some foundational preparation that makes healthy boundary setting possible.

I’ve listed things that I find critical to my process, including two key points that I haven’t seen any where else. Look for KEY POINT belowor jump down to the video that covers just those two.

Here we go with:

Building Beautiful Boundaries

• Acknowledge your emotions & honor them as valid messengers vs suppressing them to keep the peace. Your reactions right now may be telling you more about what has happened in the past than what is happening right now, but they’re still valid – you’re still signaling to yourself that something is not right for you right now. In order for you to be comfortable, something needs to change. Maybe it’s just that you need to acknowledge your discomfort to the other person and discover that they didn’t mean it at all in the way that the other person in your life did… Whatever you do or don’t do with it, start here by acknowledging and valuing your emotions for the honest information they provide.
• Remember that others feel your emotions, even if only unconsciously. Your discomfort is uncomfortable for them, too. Ignoring it isn’t helping anyone. If you can address your discomfort in a respectful way, it’s possible that everyone will feel better. In any case, at least what you’re thinking and feeling will be out in the open and they won’t be wondering what’s wrong… We all know that situation where we can tell something is wrong for the other, but we don’t know what. That’s difficult.
• Affirm your self-worth: Remind yourself that you deserve love and respect, which allows you to say “no” without guilt. This can be a long road to travel, so be kind to yourself and get help if you need it.
• Recognize when you’re people-pleasing and it crosses your boundaries. Recognize that saying nothing when you feel bad just to keep the peace or saying “yes” when you don’t want to, means you’re in resistance and that can get messy. For instance, if you’re ignoring something that’s happening, like someone repeatedly interrupting you, that creates tension in the conversation. Or, if you’ve agreed to do something you don’t want to do, that can lead to things like being late or missing appointments, misplacing your keys or phone because you’re uncomfortable and not present, etc.. It’s also one of the causes of burnout. Basically, you’re not being respectful, loving or kind to yourself or anyone else once you’ve gone past your boundaries – even if your intention was kindness. Ouch.

Things to do to Build Beautiful Boundaries

• KEY POINT: Notice where you’re already good at being assertive. Where are you already good at setting boundaries? Inform yourself about how you do that, what you already have in your tool box. Notice things like how you feel when you’re doing it. What you’re thinking and feeling about yourself, about others, what you’re telling yourself, etc.. Notice what feels like healthy boundary setting vs what doesn’t. What’s different? You are probably already good at setting healthy boundaries and being assertive somewhere in your life… can you expand that to other parts of your life? Choose easy things to start with and see how it goes. Strengthen the muscles you already have and you may surprise yourself at how good you are at it already. It’s worth testing out at any rate.
• Practice staying heart-centered & Respectful of Self & Other: When we’re assertive the main suggestions are to speak and act from a place of love and respect while being firm. I this is the crux of the difficulty for me. If I need to be assertive, it’s because a boundary is being crossed and necessarily I’m already uncomfortable and feeling disrespected, so how to access comfort & respect in that moment?!!! This is where y/our practices help a lot!
  • Practice grounding yourself using techniques like body scans (body awareness), visualization, deep breathing, nature walks, etc. so that you can use these to remain centered during a confrontation.
  • Practice resourcing, a kind of grounding, in which you create safety in the moment for yourself. This can be in many forms like visualizing something safe, remembering a safe moment, feeling a part of your body that is calm and relaxed. For instance, I like to feel my feet and feel the Earth supporting me.
  • KEY POINT: Practice using the language-ing of healthy assertiveness in your daily communication; when you’re comfortable, when it’s easier. Be truthful and temper everything with respect, kindness and empathy. This is the biggest piece of advice I have on this one. This is what helps me the most – though it often feels like an uphill battle.
    • Feel into what compassionate honesty means to you (or whatever you want to call this kind of communication). What is respectful of self and other? What is calm and kind? List it out on paper or in your head. And notice when you are not doing this for others!!! – and learn from that, too. Possible forms of healthy assertiveness to contemplate using:
      • Apologizing when you’ve made a mistake & respectfully asking for accountability from others.
      • Setting clear expectations & following through: Being punctual and doing what you say you’re going to do, or in a timely manner connecting and explaining honestly & respectfully why you aren’t
      • Releasing the need to be right globally – if you’re me that’s by recognizing that my right is right for me and not necessarily right for anyone else
      • Using “I” statements to express your experiences (facts, thoughts, beliefs, opinions) – dovetails with the point above
      • Honoring your feelings – and the feelings of others even if they don’t match yours
      • Validating your feelings – and the feelings of others especially when you don’t agree
      • Not insulting, belittling or being sarcastic, even when you don’t agree.
      • Assuming good intent
      • Recognizing and valuing your limits (mental, emotional, physical) and stating them respectfully
      • Saying “no” without guilt
      • Respecting other people’s “no” w/o pressuring or punishing (overtly or subtly)
      • Speaking truthfully with kindness by avoiding passive aggressiveness or dishonesty
      • Listening w/o interrupting – giving others the space to express themselves
      • Interrupting kindly when you feel someone is taking up too much space, you need to depart, etc..
    • Once you’ve got your list of what’s important for you, pick the easiest thing and start practicing it. Start today and play with doing it in all of your interactions until you’re ready to move on to the next thing. Do it in emails, conversations, posts, even your mental dialogue and see what you learn from it. Get good at it. Build that muscle. It will help you do the next one, which is why to start with an easy one… the harder ones won’t be so hard by the time you get to practicing those.
    • Doing this will help you understand how this kind of communication works for you – and doesn’t work – when the stakes are lower, when it’s easier. It will help you build your respectful communication muscles so that when you’re in an uncomfortable situation you can quickly grab the things you’ve practiced that you know you’re good at…
      • “Ah, ok. I know what to do! I can say that I don’t agree with this in a way that is respectful of myself and them.” or
      • “I know how to state my experience using an “I” statement with out being snarky.” or
      • “I know how to validate my feelings as well as theirs so I’ll do that now.”

I hope that gives you some useful ideas for building the foundation of your own beautiful boundaries. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, and any additions that are helpful for you. Reply and let me know.

Enjoy,
Eléna