I was assisting at a tennis camp this summer and I noticed that I have some unconscious that are quite confidence killing…

I started thinking about this because we were playing a spontaneous game, tossing balls around while running, and one of the players kept apologizing when he would throw the ball and the catcher didn’t catch it.

It occurred to me that, what if, instead of deciding that his ball throwing was “wrong”, he challenged that assessment and decided to view it as a natural part of learning to throw (while running!) or part of the variety of life? He could appreciate that his crazy throws gives him and the catcher a chance to move in new and interesting ways and adds the fun of surprise into the game. What is there to say sorry about? He might choose, instead, to say, “Thanks!” or “That was fun!” or “Whoa! That was a good one!”

It was such a profound realization that I decided to not apologize for any of my crazy throws. You can imagine how much more confident I felt in this situation by finding fun in the unexpected versus feeling sorry about it.

The point here wasn’t that I threw any better, it was that I thought and felt differently about it. I was immediately more confident, because I was doing the same actions with an attitude that allowed me to believe in the value of my actions. That was a game changer.

And it was a lot more fun to play! And maybe my throws did get better just because I felt encouraged to play and practice longer.

 

Changing Thoughts and Feelings Can Build Confidence

How you think and feel about things determines your relationship to them. Change your thoughts and feelings, change your relationship. A “bad” throw becomes a “fun” throw.

This makes sense especially if you view “bad” as a set of decisions (thoughts). Your bad and my bad might even be different. And though you can probably discover some situations in which a throw would be “unacceptably bad”, like someone getting hurt, unacceptable is probably way beyond the “bad” that you are apologizing for, and that could be reassessed as fun.

 

Changing Your Game: A Confidence Practice to Play With

In any case, if you would like to play with improving your self-confidence, find an area in your life where you would like to improve your self-confidence and do a review of your thoughts on the activities in that area. Identify actions or patterns that you habitually view as “bad” or “poor” and see which ones can be reassessed as “normal”, “interesting”, “spontaneous”, “surprising”, “fun”, etc. Be creative and generous with yourself. And be honest as this will work best if you actually believe what you are telling yourself!

Then you can start changing your habits, from confidence-killing thoughts to confidence-building ones. Changing habits takes some time, so be patient and compassionate with yourself.

 

The Flow of the Practice

Usually you will start with just being conscious of the old patterns after they happen, then as your consciousness of them increases you will become conscious of them while they are happening and eventually you will be conscious of them in time to make new choices.

So, for example you might try this: the next time you are doing those actions just notice your old confidence-killing thought patterns and, after you do them, remind yourself of the possibility of the new ways to view the actions. Keep noticing the old patterns and reminding yourself of other possibilities, just as possibilities (no pressure to change, just a suggestion that change is possible). Eventually, with patience and repetition of the new possibilities you will notice the patterns in time to think the new thoughts before the old ones have a chance to come. New patterns will be established.

 

A Final Thought on Keeping it Fun

One thing to think about is that the less frustration you put into the mix (about how long it is taking to change this habit, that you have the habit in the first place, etc, etc, etc), the faster it will change. This is because frustration adds another layer that you have to work through to be what you want to be.

Start small and practice easy things first to get the hang of it, to build your confidence with the practice and the best way for you to do it. Then work your way into changing bigger, more difficult patterns.

 

And remember that ultimately, you are perfect as you are right now, and not to take anything too seriously, especially yourself!

 

Enjoy!