Hello Beautiful Souls,
I’m sharing some of my most hard won lessons with you today. They’re about facing vs avoiding painful emotions. Hard won because as biological beings wired to avoid pain, toxicity, etc. and if we’re admitting our pain it’s generally because we’re in so much of it that we can’t seem to do anything else – we’re drowning in it and taking everyone and everything down with us. It’s not pretty, and we generally avoid it like the plague. Quite literally.
Thus, it’s fairly counter intuitive to lean into painful thing. The trick is that when we do it from a relatively healthy place, when we can face it and not drown it in, then growth can be very fast. Like lancing a boil, it’s painful at first and then very, very healing.
How do we know if we’re healthy enough? Great question. This I can’t answer for you for sure. If anyone has any good barometers, please let us know. Luckily, when I do healing work with others, their inner wisdom leads the way and only gives them what they’re ready for – a human mind decision isn’t required on their part or mine. However, if we’re working with ourselves, it’s good to know. For myself, if I’m able to sit with the pain and maintain observer consciousness – maintain the awareness that I’m sitting with it vs getting overwhelmed and lost in it – that’s a good sign that I’m able to lean in and support the parts that are hurting vs drowning in them. Essentially, am I bigger than the pain or not? Am I in a place where I contain the pain, or is it bigger than I’m able to be right now? Crucial.
Once I’m there (ideally once I’m there – usually I dive without checking – not always the best idea!), I know that facing the pain will help a lot. Leaning in will help me understand myself. Because what I’m assuming is: if something is here, it IS me. It’s a part of me.
The leaning in and assuming that the pain is a part of me does two things. One, it helps me feel like I’m in control – because it’s a part of me (vs derived from some external person or situation that I cannot control). Second, it helps me understand and evolve myself. I take this painful thing and slowly transform it into something really useful vs something really painful.
This helps me a lot in dealing with judgements, for instance. There’s this weird idea that’s become popular lately that we shouldn’t have (negative) judgements. I find this perplexing.
On one hand most of us would agree that denying our feelings is not good and on the other many have adopted the idea that they shouldn’t have (negative) judgements. “Oh! I shouldn’t judge.” Ouch.
The thing that I’ve realized about that is that judgements are our opinions. They’re true for me right now. They help me navigate a given situation and know what’s not working for ME in the moment. This is useful information. Much like leaning into pain, I can simply use this information to know which direction to take. What’s key here is to realize that it’s my opinion in the moment and not an overall assessment of Truth. If I hold my judgement lightly, and allow it to change, vs thinking that it is a fact and will always be this way for me, then I can use them as momentary signposts – go this way, not that way. Easy.
How to express our (negative) judgements kindly? Own them as your opinions, as your honest feeling in the moment. Say, “I feel X right now.”
The last hard won lesson to share here is how to deal with other people’s judgement, hate or criticism. The biggest thing here is to realize that anything anyone says about anything – says more about them than what they’re talking about.
In other words, if I tell you that I don’t like something, and all of the reasons why, really what I’m telling you is my own relationship to that thing. My own experience of it. I’m not objectively describing the thing, I’m describing my experience of it. This is huge. This means that you might experience something really different with it!
A great example of this is when two friends where telling a third friend all that was wrong with her. She started getting overwhelmed with all that they conveyed, especially since some of it was contradictory. One said she should be more specific about what she wanted, defining it clearly, while the other said she should share her emotional context and that’s what she was doing wrong.
As an outside observer of this group meltdown, I was able to gently point out that what the two friends were expressing was what they each needed. That what they were expressing was not about her, it was about them. Ah. Ok. Now we can all own our stuff, our needs… and realize that what we’re describing about another is actually what we want… in this case, what we are missing… and to stop putting it off on the other. How can they give us what we want if we don’t ask? And up until we can acknowledge our own judgements of a situation, we may not know either.
All of this to say, the next time someone is telling you what’s wrong with something, especially if it’s you!, remember that what they’re expressing is really about them… they’re telling you what they want and need, what they are missing, why the thing or person is not right for them. Ahhhhh. Your experience might (probably will be) different.
Feel free to let me know your reactions to any and all of this. Many of you will have developed different ideas, strategies, etc.. I appreciate helping each other expand and refine our ideas, so I’d love to hear if you care to share.
Warmly,
Eléna