Hello Beautiful Souls.

Boundaries… being able to say No and Yes at the right times. Someone recently brought up the idea of the Sacred Yes and the Sacred No as a way of relating to setting boundaries. This is a beautiful concept!

One of the things that a lot of us have a hard time with is saying No when we don’t want to do something. And for some it’s also saying Yes when they do want to do something, but they feel like they shouldn’t. But let’s work with saying No to keep it simple.

This idea of the Sacred Yes and the Sacred No is the idea that when we’re setting boundaries, when we’re saying No to something, that we can treat that saying ‘No.” as a sacred act.

Why sacred?

Because we’re taking care of ourselves.
We’re being compassionate to ourselves.
We’re doing what’s in alignment for us.

The Sacred No is me saying No to something when I realize it is not actually in alignment with me. This thing that I’m saying No to, I’m saying No because it doesn’t feel good to me. It feels draining, or tiring, or uncomfortable, or just wrong. Me saying No is taking care of myself. It’s aligning with what’s good for me.

So it becomes a sacred act.
A compassionate act.
A beautiful act.
And this is sacred.

Why is this important?
Well, because many of us find it difficult to say No…

For me saying No can be really hard because saying No to something feels like I’m saying No to someone. Someone’s asking me to do something and it feels like I’m saying No to them. Let’s say my friend Jane asks me to take her to the grocery store. If I say “No, Jane, I don’t want to take you to the grocery store,” it feels like I’m saying no to her, that I’m rejecting her.

But am I?
Am I saying No to Jane, or am I saying No to doing something for her?

Task 1: The first thing to think about, or feel into, is are you saying No to them or are you saying No to what they’re asking for?

That sounds like a silly difference, but it is a big one.

If I say, “No, I don’t want to take you,” I feel like I’m rejecting her. At minimum, I’m making her unhappy.
This doesn’t feel great, and this is exactly when I’d say Yes, even though I don’t want to take her to the store.

Really though, what I’m saying No to is not her.
I’m saying no to this act.
I’m saying no to taking her to the store.

I like the person. Fundamentally I love this person or I at least like them. I’m not saying no to them. I’m saying no to what they’re asking. Right?
I’m not saying, “No Jane, I don’t like you.”
I’m saying, “No thank you,” to doing this act.

This is the first thing to to unweave, to parse out, to unravel – that I’m saying No not to her. I’m not saying No to Jane. I’m saying No to what she’s asking me for.

This is helpful. Now I can say No, knowing that I’m saying No to an action, not to her.
I can stop conflating the person with the thing that they’re asking.
I can stop conflating the person with the action.

I can see that it could be really helpful to make that distinction in how you answer, so that you can both hear it. “Jane, I want you to be happy, but I don’t feel to take you to the store. You feel good to me, but that doesn’t.”

Task 2: The second thing that’s really helpful is to remember that that Sacred No has another side. Saying No to one thing automatically means I’m saying Yes to something else.
The other side of that Sacred No is a Sacred yes. That Sacred No contains a Sacred Yes, because if I’m saying, “No, Jane, I don’t want to do this action. I don’t want to take you to the store.” Now, I am giving myself time, space, and energy to say Yes to something else.

If I take that Sacred No and say No to something that doesn’t feel in alignment, then I have cleared space in my life to give a Sacred Yes to something that is… that does feel good, that is energy giving, enlivening. Maybe I go and rest and take a nap. Whatever it is. So this is one way that we can take the difficulty of saying no and turn it into a saying yes.

If I’m saying no to this, what am I saying yes to?

The takeaway here is first to unravel what you’re saying No to.
I’m not saying no to Jane. I’m not saying no to the person.

The second takeaway, is allowing myself the wisdom that this Sacred No means I have the opportunity to make a Sacred Yes. That this No is also a Yes. Then it’s up to me like to do something that is in alignment. To do something that is self-compassionate; resting or some other activity that I’m actually wanting to do. Maybe it’s even with her. Who knows? Doesn’t matter, though. Just remembering that the sacred no is also potentially a sacred yes.

Hope that helps.
Enjoy Your Sacred No and Sacred Yes!,
Eléna