Calming the Mind

Second Chances: How Loving an Abused Animal Opened My Eyes & Healed My Heart

Second ChancesI live in a tiny neighborhood at the top of a very long hill. I’m far from the throngs of Hong Kong and ensconced in the wonders of nature. It’s truly an honor to be a citizen of such an urban environment and to live where I can hear crickets sing, watch hawks soar past the balcony and rain sweep over the bay.

Obviously, I live on the outskirts of Hong Kong. Instead of being among the cosmopolite, I’ve chosen to live among an extended family of villagers, kind hearted souls whose grandmother rules the root and does her flock’s laundry each morning. It is a beautiful, clean and quiet setting.

When I moved in I was delighted to notice a lovely husky, well tended, on a chain under a tree at one end of the property. I love dogs and it was great to know our neighbors did too.

Or so I thought. It became obvious pretty quickly that though she was well cared for as far as being fed and her area cleaned twice daily no one spent any more time with her than that. Her caregiver ignored her and no one took her for walks. Ever.

When I gently inquired it turned out that a cousin had installed her there when he moved into an apartment that didn’t allow dogs with promises to retrieve her soon. That was three years ago.

This husky has been on a chain for three years. She’s been there day in and day out. No walks. Wow.

I was shocked.

It was heartbreaking to know that no one cared enough for her to fill her basic need for exercise, and the idea of being confined to a two meter chain, day in and day out was unthinkable. I felt terrible. This was a tragedy that I couldn’t bear. Every time I looked over at her from my balcony I felt so sad I wanted to cry. I couldn’t live next to this kind of cruelty and not do something about it.

What was I going to do?

I asked if I could take her for walks. Grandmother said, thank you, but no. She didn’t want to be liable if anything happened to me or the dog or anyone else. Her reasoning made sense and I knew better than to argue with grandma, so I gave up trying to rescue her that way.

I decided that the least I could do was to send her loving looks instead of showering her with sadness from my balcony. I decided that at least I could send her love, even if from afar.

And that’s when things started to change.

That’s when I got a chance to see this situation from a different place.

As I started to look at her with love and without my filter of tragedy, I began to be able to see her again. I started to be able to see how she felt instead of projecting onto her how I felt. I began to notice that she wasn’t sad at all. In fact, she was quite happy! How could that be, I wondered? I began to watch her carefully, my heart open.

As the days past, I noticed that she took pleasure many things. She wagged and shook with joy every morning and evening as her food was delivered, and took delight in the woman who gave it to her even though the woman ignored her. She didn’t mind. She was still happy to see her. She was content regardless. Amazing.

She enjoyed the scents that wafted up the valley and she would often walk over to the edge and sit and sniff the wind and watch whomever was walking up the hill. And wonder of wonders, she even took herself for walks. What I had thought were the neurotic movements of a trapped animal trying to get off her chain were actually the happy wanderings of an animal content to walk as much as her chain allowed. Almost daily she calmly walked the full perimeter that her chain allowed, stopping now and then to sniff things and check out the latest leaf that had blown over or insect that had landed on the flowers next to her. She varied her walks, going in one direction one day and another way the next.

Mostly, she just seemed content for no reason at all. How interesting. I wondered if I would be able to keep my head up and interested in the world if I were captive. Her interest, her contentment seemed to be a part of her regardless of her captivity.

And all of this would be pure conjecture and me just trading my sad blue glasses for rose colored ones except that I finally got up the nerve to go over and make friends with her. I’ve spent a lot of time with dogs, so I knew to proceed with caution in case she had lost her socialization or was aggressive (defensive) when approached by a stranger. I wanted to make friends, so I was very careful not to scare her. Also, she’s a big dog. With big teeth.

It took me almost a month of slowly gaining her trust before I got close enough for her to carefully sniff my hand. Only, once I finally got there she wasn’t careful at all. I needn’t have worried. Turns out she’s super friendly and loves to say hello. From that moment on, whenever I approach she wags and prances and plays and almost knocks me over with kisses and love. She’s only complained twice when I walked away from her, and both times I knew that I was leaving in the middle of playing and that we weren’t done yet. She was right.

I’ve spent a lot of time with her over the two years that we’ve lived here and I can honestly say there’s so much love and happiness in that dog, it’s astounding. She’s extraordinary. She’s one of the happiest dogs I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. Probably one of the happiest beings I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.

She gave me a second chance. A chance to open my eyes and see what is really happening inside her. A chance to see what freedom really looks like. Through her I’ve begun to understand how Nelson Mandela handled all those years in prison, emerging strong and free and whole, and why Moojii said once that a man free in his heart can be in prison and yet be the only free person around.

She shows me that freedom comes from within as I greet her from my balcony every morning. And yet everyday I meet humans walking around in prisons of their own making. The contrast is amazing. She’s free because she chooses freedom. Many of us are in prisons of unhappiness and discontent because we choose them. This dog understands that. I can see that she does. I hope that all of us can understand that as well.

(And bless the aunt who has recently taken her on two walks!! I’m trying not to hold my breath, or bring my needs into it, but I am really happy at this turn of events! May we all be free inside and out!)

Elena Maria Foucher blogs her experiments in joyful living for the Joy Lab at ElenaMariaFoucher.com. She teaches meditation and stress management in Hong Kong and has created simple, quick meditations that you can do while brushing your teeth available at ToothbrushMeditations.com.

(This article first appeared in the online magazine CoSozo.com.)

Real Talk: Speaking and Listening About Things That Matter

Speaking&ListeningOur relationships are the most valuable things we have. They are the gold that helps make life worth living.

One of the biggest challenges in my relationships is resolving differences in ways that celebrate versus denigrate each other. Sometimes the gold can get so beaten out of shape in these situations that it breaks apart.

I’m learning the art of respectful disagreement the hard way, and I’d like to share two big nuggets of wisdom in the hopes that your road to mastery can be smoother than mine.

Nugget 1: Sometimes all you need to do is listen.

One of the best things that my first husband and I did when we were separating was to attend a class on conflict resolution. We didn’t end up using the method of Nonviolent Communication that we learned. What we did do was take some of the principles of that class and develop a method for discussion that worked for us. We stumbled onto brilliance, and created the most peaceful and loving break up I’d ever had. Mostly what we did was learn the power of listening.

What we discovered as we went over issues we’d been fighting about for years was that we didn’t actually know what the other person thought.

What? How could that be? We’d heard the same arguments from each other over and over again!

How could we not know the other person’s arguments?

It turned out we hadn’t actually been listening.

For years.

Yikes.

How did that happen? I imagine that at first we were too hurt and angry and defensive and in a hurry to get across our pain. That we were too upset to slow down and listen to what the other person had to say.

How can that deafness continue for 12 years? All I can say is that when I think I’m right, I generally don’t pay attention to anything else. All I can hear are my thoughts, my logic, my reasoning. I didn’t listen to him because I assumed that I knew what he was saying. Ouch.

Now that we were willing to take the time to hear what the other person was saying, we were equally amazed at what we were hearing.

“Wait, you’re not mad that I used savings to buy the motorcycle, you’re upset because I didn’t ask you about the color?! Really? … Oh. …. Sorry about that, I didn’t realize the the color mattered to you.”

And poof, that was done. Gone. Over.

We’d been arguing for years and in 5 minutes of actually listening, we cleared up the whole thing.

Amazing, right?

90% of our discussions were like this.

Seriously.

It’s astounding what some focused listening can accomplish.

Nugget 2: Even if you think that you understand what the other person is saying, check.

This, in fact, is how we discovered that we weren’t listening. We checked.

How did we check?

One person would say what they thought about an issue (for a set time) and the other would remain silent and just listen. Then the listener would repeat back what they understood the first person was saying.

So, note that the listener isn’t mentally preparing their argument in response, they are listening for understanding and saying what they understand.

Then the first person confirms and clarifies, confirming what matches their thinking and clarifies what doesn’t. The listener says what they understand from the clarifications and this repeats until both people are satisfied that the listener understands the speaker.

Then you switch roles and the listener becomes the speaker on the topic.

Sound tedious? It can be! We found it incredibly helpful to have a structure to follow when things got heated. When hearts and minds start bending out of shape, it’s helpful to have guidelines and limits that you’re both happy to follow.

If you want to get better at conflict resolution, I encourage you to find or create a method that you and the other person both like. Do things that encourage clear listening and check for understanding even if you think you understand already! How will you know if you don’t ask?

And no matter what you’re discussing, remember how much you value the person in front of you and your relationship. Remember that you enrich each other and make life that much more golden.

Elena Maria Foucher blogs her discoveries for enjoying life on the Joy Lab at ElenaMariaFoucher.com. She also teaches meditation and stress reduction in Hong Kong and is the creator of simple meditations you can do while brushing your teeth at ToothbrushMeditations.com.

(This article was first published in the online magazine CoSozo.com.)

The Right and Wrong Mentality: Is It Right for You?

Paris Street Art - Right & Wrong BlogThe right and wrong mentality and I are having a fight. It thinks it’s right. Go figure.
The basic problem isn’t so much that my mind likes to constantly calculate what is right and what is wrong – about everything – the problem is more that it won’t stop!

This is a problem because I am beginning to suspect that this kind of mental calculation actually narrows down the vastness of reality, the cornucopia of possibility that we all exist in, into two measly options: right and wrong, good and bad, black and white. It takes the multiplicity of any moment and makes it boringly binary.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. In fact, the past 3 days have been an absolute hell as I notice myself incessantly working to prove myself right in every situation. This takes a tremendous amount of my energy! I’m running this constant mental calibration system, processing all incoming data and making sure that I am on the “right” side of all of it. The hellish part is that I can see how, for me, it is driven by an intense fear of ever being “wrong.” Ouch. I imagine that it is the depth and intensity of this fear that makes it so impossible to stop.

For instance, when people are talking I notice my mind constantly providing my own assessments of what they’re saying by comparing my own experiences and pulling up reason after reason for why my assessment is right. It’s down right exhausting.

Someone could be talking about breakfast cereal and why they like it and my mind immediately comes up with a position (they are right or wrong and) starts sifting though all that I’ve read, heard and experienced to prove my point. Even if I know that I’m not going to make a comment, I have all of that internal research ready.

You do this about breakfast cereal? Really?
Yep. Really.

Actually, I’ve noticed that I do this about everything that gets spoken in my presence. Everything that I happen to read, or watch, any situation that I’m experiencing, and even the random thoughts that float through my head get this treatment. My mind is in constant motion.

It’s compulsive.

Oh my gods, I think that I just realized that I am Obsessive Compulsive! I’m OCR (Obsessively Compulsively Right). Great. I wonder if I’ll get a hospital wing named after my disorder.

I think that intellectually many people can accept the idea that there are more ways to think about things than right and wrong, than black and white, than good and bad. I can. I can also imagine that many of us would like to break the cycle of fear that keeps us treading this path over and over… We’re probably all tired of being OCR.

What would thinking outside the box of right and wrong look like? What would keeping your mind open be like?

One thing that you can do is to play with some thought experiments to discover this for yourself. You can use these to experience what your world can be like when you allow the cornucopia to be here in every moment.

1.) What If?
What if that breakfast cereal was good and bad? (right and wrong)
What if that breakfast cereal was neither good nor bad? (neither right nor wrong)
What if that breakfast cereal was really good right now and had the possibility of being not so good in two hours? In two minutes? In two seconds? Right now? (holding right and wrong lightly, allowing them to change and be fluid)

2.) Staying Open to All Ideas
What if there were no such thing as right and wrong and there was only the discussion of right and wrong for fun? Can you argue both sides of an issues and decide on neither? Let them both be true and not true, and also leave lots of open space for many, many other ideas?

3.) Lots Of Possibilities
Pick something you’d like to think about and write it at the top of a page, like this:
Should I eat whole bran flakes for breakfast?

Then write the numbers 1- 20 down the left side of the page and make a list of 20 reasons why and why not as they come into your head. Write down all of your ideas; the ones that you feel are realistic as well as the ones that feel crazy… allow all of them onto the paper. Go for creativity! See how interesting your list can be. The goal here isn’t to convince yourself one way or the other (we’re not trying to be OCR now) it is to open your mind to lots of possibilities. The goal is to realize that as infinitely creative beings we can actually come up with all kinds of reasons for anything if we allow ourselves, and how fun and creative that is!

The freedom to think like this allows for expansion and depth that simple binary right and wrong thinking does not.

(Note that writing down all of the numbers 1- 20 first will signal to your brain that you want it to come up with 20 reasons. It’ll be much easier to do! Try this with any list you’re making.)

My brain actually thanks me when I play like this. It’s like cleaning out the cobwebs, opening the starting gate and letting the thing do it’s job! It LOVES it! Turns out the cornucopia is alive and well inside my head as well as out in the universe around me. How fun.

Enjoy,
Elena

Elena Maria Foucher shares her delight in slicing through the sticky stuff of life on her blog, the Joy Lab at ElenaMariaFoucher.com. Feel free to share yours below!

(This article first appeared in the online magazine CoSozo.com.)

Getting Out of Your Head and Into Your Heart

getting out of your head and into your heart{This article first appeared here, on CoSozo.com, Tues, 1 July 2014.}

For the last decade people have been telling me that I live too much in my head and that I should live more in my heart. That idea of going from my head to my heart was really confusing at first. I thought people were suggesting that I stop thinking and focus only on my emotions, or suddenly fall in love with everything and everyone. That all seemed pretty difficult to do, and thankfully as I began to figure out this head to heart business, I realized that none of that had to happen.

To my great relief, it’s just a simple shift of focus.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

If you’re like most people, you spend a lot of time thinking: thinking about what has happened in the past and what will happen in the future. All day, every day, you’re doing pretty much the same thing: living in your head.

This is such an ingrained habit that most of us don’t even realize that there is anything else that we could be doing.

The thing about always thinking about the past and the future is that we miss what’s actually happening right now, where we actually live. We’re so busy paying attention to the past and future that we miss the present, where the action is going on, where the juice is, where all the things that we’re thinking about really exist, where life is really happening.

What do I mean when I say that we’re not really here?

An Experiment in Living

Try this little experiment and see what you can discover for yourself.

Stop for a moment and notice your body. Notice little things like your feet or thighs pressing down onto the ground or seat. Notice how the fabric of your clothing feels on your legs, your belly, your back, your shoulders, your arms. Notice as many sensations as you can: air moving over your skin, tension and softness in your muscles… anything and everything you can feel.

Pay attention to how long you can notice your sensations before going off into stories about them. How long before a twinge in your knee sends you thinking about how far you ran yesterday, and did you remember to start the washing machine after your run, and don’t forget to buy more laundry detergent, and did you put that on the grocery list? And you keep going, on and on, one thought after another, until pretty soon you’ve totally forgotten that you’re sitting there because your mind is somewhere else!

We miss a lot, because we spend so much of our time thinking about living and so little of our time actually focusing on living as it’s happening. We’ve all had those timeless moments where we really noticed the full depth of the moment: rocking a baby, at the crest of a high dive, taking in a fantastic view, looking deeply into the eyes of a lover… These are those moments when we get a glimpse of what we’re missing, a glimpse of being fully aware of what’s happening in the moment, the richness and depth of living.

Shifting From Head to Heart

The nice thing is that this is really simple to change.All that is needed is to shift your attention to where you are and what’s happening here. The challenge is that your habit of thinking is probably pretty strong, so you will need to keep re-focusing your attention on what’s happening until this new habit is formed.

Another nice thing is that there are lots of things that you can do to facilitate this new habit. Focusing on the body moving through space is often a good practice because the body is always doing something right here and right now. Anytime you want to shift your focus to living your life, check out what your body is doing. Notice where your body is contacting the ground or chair or bed. Notice what that feels like and immediately you are focused on living your life as it’s happening.

As I got out of my head and dropped into my heart, into myself, an amazing thing started to happen. I started to slowly notice how deep my inner landscape is, and how rich and full life is when I can actually be here in it. Everything is much more pleasurable. Now, I spend all day, every day doing pretty much the same thing: practicing this awareness of my life as it’s happening. When I realize I’m lost in my head, I simply shift my focus back into my self, where the juice is, where it’s all happening, where I live my life.

This process could really be called moving from Head to Self.

Head to Heart just sounds a lot sexier.

Elena has been practicing awareness since 2005 and has recorded seven of her favorite practices at www.ToothbrushMeditations.com. They’re quick and easy, 10-second meditations, that you can do anywhere and anytime you want to focus on living your life.

3 Steps for Shifting Fear

3 steps for shifting fear{This article first appeared here, on CoSozo.com, Tues, 1 July 2014.}
Fear is a natural emotion that our body-mind uses to let us know that we may be in danger. That’s great unless we’re experiencing fear more often than our situation actually warrants. Living in our modern world exposes us to multiple daily stresses, and the body-mind interprets many of them as dangerous, serving up fear when it isn’t actually necessary. We may find ourselves reacting in fear to all kinds of things, and notice that we’ve actually built up a strong fear habit, like building a muscle.

How do we change this pattern?

Here are three simple steps that I’ve used successfully for shifting many of my fear-based patterns.

Step 1: Pattern Recognition – What do you do when you’re in your pattern?

Identify one or two things that you do that signal you’re in your habit. 

Your fear habits aren’t random. Generally, you react to specific events with specific words, actions, thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

The good news is that you only need to be able to recognize one or two of these things to be able to notice when the pattern is happening.

So, how do you recognize a pattern, especially an unconscious one?

First, imagine something that you react to with fear.

Do you have a hard time receiving things? Do you worry about things like food, weight, money, sex, or relationships? Do you push people away, shut your heart down or refuse to take chances? Do you get scared when you think you’re wrong or feel out of control?

Then, choose something light so that you can stay conscious of yourself, and start looking, listening, and/or feeling the pattern so that you can identify a few simple signals that tell you you’re doing it.

Finally, ask yourself some questions so that you can start identifying some signals. One or two of these questions will be easy to answer, and that’s all you need.

What thoughts or emotions do you have when you imagine this?

Many people have impatient, depressing, angry, or anxious thoughts or emotions. What are your thoughts or feelings?

What things do you say?

Many people will use indicative words like “should” or “never” or “can’t” or “won’t”, put themselves down or blame themselves or others. Listen to your internal dialogue as well as what you say to others. “I can’t believe I did that! I shouldn’t have done that! What an idiot!” are great indicators. What kinds of things do you say?

What things do you do with your body?

Many people will have habitual body movements like turning away their head or shoulder, clenching their jaw or hands, shallow breathing, or tunnel vision. What do you do?

Step 2 : Pattern Separation – Realizing that you are not your thoughts and feelings

Recognize that you and your patterns are separate things. 

Now that you have a few signals that indicate your pattern, notice that your pattern is a set of mental, emotional, and physical “actions.”

You have thoughts and emotions like you have possessions. You have them like you have clothes. You can put them on and take them off. You can change them and no matter what you have on, you are still the same person underneath.  You can think one thing, and then think something else, and no matter which of those thoughts you are thinking, you are the same person.

Likewise you are not the actions that you do. You can throw a ball up and then throw a ball down, and you are still you.

Why is this important?

Because this means that you can separate yourself from your thoughts, emotions, and actions by realizing that you are not them. You can realize that they are things that you are having and doing, and that you can choose to not have them or do them. You can choose something else.

This is crucial.

As soon as you realize that you have a choice, then you have a choice. As soon as you realize that what you have and do is not you, you have a choice about what you have and do. Or don’t have and don’t do.

This is the beauty and the challenge of changing a habit. You have the power. You have always had the power. Once you realize that you have the power then you can use it. You can consciously choose to say “yes” or “no” as you like. Changing your habit may still take a bit of time, and at this point it helps to make a strong commitment to change, to love yourself enough to say yes when you are used to saying no. Usually you’ll have to recommit, over and over, until the change is made. This takes patience and self-compassion, and a sense of humor helps a lot.

Step 3: Pattern Break – Making a new choice

Now that you can recognize when the pattern is happening, and realize that you’re separate from it – that it is a choice that you are making – you can begin to choose something else.

In the beginning, if the pattern is really strong, it may help to choose something very simple like focusing on your breath instead of focusing on your fear. Generally, the body is a great place to start because it places you firmly into something tangible.

When your pattern arises, you might just notice your breath moving in and out of your body or your feet on the ground, or where your elbows are, the quality of light that you can see in the room or the sounds you can hear. If one of your indicators is a habitual body position, like clenching your jaw or collapsing your chest, simply softening your jaw or lifting your shoulders is a great place to start.

You will find that all of this gets easier and easier as you do it, and as you build this new muscle, soon your choices will expand to clarity, creativity, excitement, joy, love, expansion, lightness. Enjoy your power to choose. Enjoy saying yes!

Elena offers quick and easy meditations at ToothbrushMeditations.com and welcomes your feedback to this article. Please share your experiences below.

 

Acknowledge Your Fears, Don’t Cultivate Them!

acknowledge fears don't cultivate them{This article first appeared here, on CoSozo.com Tues, 1 July 2014.}
Let’s face it, if a tiger is about to pounce, we’re not concerned about composing a symphony, we want an instant decision on whether to fight, fly, or freeze. The sympathetic nervous system creates this quick mode at the expense of intelligence, creativity, digestion, and immunity among others. This state has both mental and physical consequences, and in our stress-filled modern world we go into it quite often since our body-mind doesn’t know the difference between a tiger and a deadline.

Because we go into this mode so often, it can become a habit. We can begin making decisions in this limited state without even realizing it. We can find ourselves unconsciously saying “no” to things without even thinking about them. We might push people away, refuse growth opportunities, get angry or impatient, or feel blame or guilt when none of this is warranted.

Eventually, if we begin to notice that something is awry, and we decide to change this pattern, to break this fear-based habit of saying “no” to life, it’s helpful to understand the difference between acknowledging it, becoming fully conscious of it, and cultivating it, making it bigger, stronger, and more intense. Or as I like to say, noticing versus wallowing.

Acknowledging What’s Already There Isn’t Cultivating

One thing I’ve seen over and over, is that as we’re changing a habit and becoming more aware of it, there is a point where we start to wonder if in becoming conscious of it we’re actually making it worse. This is because as we become aware of it, we start to see how big it really is, and it seems like suddenly we have a big problem where there was none. When we weren’t noticing it, it was not there, and now that we’re noticing it, it’s huge. We wanted the pattern to go away, and now it’s bigger. We begin to wonder if it is the fault of the noticing.

Of course, the pattern was there all along, we just weren’t aware of the full extent of it.  Now we are. Becoming aware isn’t the issue. The pattern is the issue, and that can feel daunting.

This is a point to be kind to ourselves, to be patient and to call up our courage and self-compassion. If we choose to go unconscious again we won’t be able to make any changes to our unconscious pattern. If we can stay conscious of it, we can do something about it. If we can be brave enough to face what is happening, to face our pattern, we can change it.

Choosing Patience versus Cultivating

The second place where we often get confused about the difference between acknowledging and cultivating is in how we respond to a pattern as it is happening. We can start by acknowledging the pattern as it is happening, noticing it in order to truly see it, and then start adding to the pattern by feeling bad about it. We shift to making it bigger, stronger, more intense. Now we’re cultivating it. Often we add guilt, shame, blame, anger, impatience, or contraction.

It works something like this:

I notice that I have a fear-based pattern of getting angry when I feel out of control. I don’t like this pattern, so I’m motivated to change it. So far so good.

Then, when I notice that the pattern is happening I get disgusted and say things to myself like, “I can’t believe I’m doing this! This is so stupid! Why is this happening to me?!”  Now I’m adding to the pattern by layering on more fear-based thoughts and emotions.

Fortunately, as soon as I see myself saying things like this, I can make a new choice. I can realize that this is the fear talking, this is me continuing the pattern, and instead choose something else like being patient with myself knowing that changing a pattern takes time. With that kind thought, I’ve moved away from making the pattern bigger and back into acknowledging, into noticing what is happening.

Adding to the habit is somewhat inevitable in the beginning, and as long as we see that is what we’re doing, we can choose to notice that too, and patiently shift back to acknowledging. The trick is to realize that turning the fear onto yourself, thinking and feeling fearful things, is part of the pattern. Remember that you aren’t stupid, bad or wrong, terminally contracted, broken, or whatever your pattern throws at you. That is just the pattern talking. Make a firm decision to choose something else, and keep reaffirming that decision as often as the choice comes up.

You are perfect.

The next time that paper tiger is about to pounce, smile at yourself and know that you have the power to change any habit you have. You have the power to choose. Soon, with a little patience, courage, and self-compassion, you and that tiger will be prancing around together singing a resounding “YES”!
Elena offers quick and easy meditations at ToothbrushMeditations.com and welcomes your feedback to this article. Please share your experiences below.

Breaking the Cycle of Struggle

breaking the cycle of struggleSometimes struggle is about doing the same thing over and over and getting no where. It’s like the wrong kind of perseverance. If we’re persevering to struggle, then all we’re really doing is putting lots and lots of energy into getting no where. It’s like we’re just stuck in the fight or the play. It’s a habit.

So what’s the difference between struggling, getting no where, and perseverance, that gets us somewhere?

Let’s stop for a moment and recognize that we’re talking about getting somewhere on the physical-mental-emotional plane and not on the spiritual plane where there is no where to go and nothing to do. I’m talking about getting out of the mental-emotional traps that I’ve created for myself. The endless loops of negativity that I keep myself stuck in and things like that. The fighting with myself that repeats over and over and changes insignificantly… berating myself, feeling unworthy, thinking that I should have done things better, feeling guilty, etc, etc, etc.

This is the fighting and wallowing and creating drama kind of struggle that goes no where and uses up lots of energy and focus. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

And when is that different from working with something and getting somewhere with it? When are we breaking the old patterns and creating something new?

An important question seems to be, where am I in relation to it?

Am I looking at it from the place that I usually do? Am I considering it from the normal perspective with the usual thoughts, feelings and postures? Am I standing and breathing the same way, thinking the same way and feeling the same way? That tends to promote the struggle, because nothing different than the old struggle is happening. This is perpetuating the cycle. Instead it’s when I am feeling it and thinking about it from different places that seems to make the difference. When I can stand differently and breathe differently that changes struggle to perseverance.

Can I step outside of the situation and look at it from a different perspective, like taking a bird’s eye view? Can I bring a totally new emotional landscape to it, preferably one that is expansive in some way? Can I think about it in a totally new way, with a new frame of mind? Can I breathe deeper or differently and break the physical patterning? Any one of these help shift the dynamic.

Taking Things Personally

Taking things personallyI’ve been writing a lot lately about struggle. As a world-class struggler, I have a lot to say about it apparently. I started with a long list of successful strategies for struggle. That was enlightening. I didn’t realize that I knew so many! Wow, do I know a lot of them. Wow, have I employed a lot of them!

One thing that I have begun to see with this exploration of struggle is that a big part of it relies on us insisting that things are personal. What do I mean by that? It definitely deserves some explanation as it has become a great thing for me to explore and understand!

Taking things personally works something like this: things that happen in my reality are about me. They effect me because I experience them and I hang on to that effect and turn it into something important and, well, personal – something about me, something pertaining to me. If a waitress brings me something that I didn’t order I can feel upset. I might be upset for any number of reasons that are all centered around me and my self-worth, like that bringing me the wrong order is insulting because she didn’t listen to me, she didn’t respect me enough to listen to what I was saying. Or bringing me the wrong order is a waste of my time. Now I have to sit here and wait for my meal to arrive a second time and I am hungry! Maybe my friends now have their food and either I have to watch them eat. How humiliating for me and uncomfortable! Or they have to wait for me and let their food get cold. How rude of me and of her!

This is taking things personally. This is making things personal.

Another way to look at this, that isn’t personal is to do things like think about the fact that the waitress is a complex being with a lot going on. Whatever happened to create the situation could have absolutely nothing to do with you. At all. She might have heard you just fine and then gotten the order mixed up with a similar one from the table next to you. It might not have had anything to do with her either… maybe the cook read the order wrong, told her the order for your table was ready and so she simply brought it to you.

This is all pretty silly when looked at like this. And yet it happens all the time. We take things personally. We assign meaning related to ourselves when we don’t need to. And this is important because we often assign feelings to it as well. That may seem fine when we feel good. What happens when we feel bad?

And this is all really silly if you think that things that happen in your life should be related to you, that they do have personal meaning. And maybe they do.

And what if they don’t?

Opens up a whole new vista doesn’t it?

Enjoy,

Elena

Why Fixing Things Doesn’t Work

why fixing things doesn't workDon’t you just love it when you realize something? Like a suddenly you understand something that has never made much sense to you no matter how many times you’ve heard it before? I love that!

Today, I accidentally realized why working on things can be a big waste of time. I had a terrible, melt-down kind of day today. I went to bed exhausted, and when I woke up I didn’t get out of bed for three hours. I laid there feeling into how bad I felt, and inviting it to express itself and move on. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I had crazy dreams that didn’t seem to help much other than make me realize that I was still feeling terrible. Finally, I gave in and got up.

Then I had a business meeting with my husband. Well, tried to. He gently and adroitly asked if I felt like “we” were in any state to have this meeting? He was very calm, as I first baited him and then he just listened as I described how I was feeling. We just sat there in the light of what I just shared.

I didn’t try to fix it. I was just miserable. I didn’t try to make it bigger or wallow in it. I just felt it.

And as we sat there for a few minutes in silence, I shed a few silent tears and started feeling better.

Nothing was fixed. Nothing was solved. Nothing had changed as far as my mind was concerned. And I felt better.

I still feel like I need to really cry and other than that it has passed.

As I was walking up the hill on my way home this evening, I reflected that just shining light on the situation, just sharing it openly and having it witnessed by another was enough. It didn’t need fixing this time.

It just needed to be exposed. Outed.

Like so many secrets or dark things, shining the light on them can be enough.

Walking up, I realized why people say that sometimes fixing things doesn’t work. Sometimes if we jump into fix it mode we miss the opportunity for the problem to go away on its own. We miss the opportunity for it to fix itself. We might even be holding it in place sometimes when we do this, because we move the much needed light of focus away from the problem and shine it on “the solutions” instead.

So, I ask pardon for all of those times I tried to fix anyone! Please forgive me. I am sorry. Sometimes we want solutions, and sometimes it’s better to just give the thing the breathing room to heal itself. Voila! It passes.