Hello Beautiful Souls.
How do we know if we’re healing something or we’re just sitting around, ruminating, complaining and making it worse?
How do we know if we’re releasing the charge or adding to it and making it worse?
Clearing it or holding it firmly in place? Maybe even making it bigger?!
The difference between working with something in a way that improves it versus a way that just keeps it here is the difference between healing and wallowing… How do we know when we’re doing one versus the other? Even in meditation, we might be releasing or we might be wallowing. How do we know?
I’ve realized a new way to think about this, a new model that I’ve stared using. I want to share that with you because I find it really helpful. First, I’m going to give you the one I’ve refined over the years from personal and professional work, and then I’ll give you the newer one. They both focus on healing emotions, because they end up being such a big part of the healing process.
1. Acknowledge, Accept & Allow
In the first one, I use a 3 part process for emotions, 3 A’s. When a feeling comes up, like anger, I Acknowledge, Accept and Allow:
I acknowledge that you’re here (I see you).
I accept that you’re here (I’m not going to try and make you go away).
I allow you to be as big as you are (I’m letting you be what you are – as big and hairy and uncomfortable as you are).”
Or “I see you. I hold you. I feel you.”
This is a really great method, and if done well, very healing.
If not done well, it can result in what I’ve come to think of as wallowing.
Wallowing is if at the last stage, we divert from feeling the emotion to thinking about it… start going into the story.
Why is this happening? Why am I angry? Who did this to me? Right?
Instead of helping the emotion release, we’re building it up. We’re adding to it.
It can feel like a very happy pig wallowing around in a big muddy puddle. Feels great in the moment. But instead of getting clean, you just get more muddy.
Wallowing around in the emotions does not help it go away. This is keeping it firmly in place and even increases the charge. This keeps the emotion alive and kicking. This keeps it stuck to you.
Of course, anytime we’re working with an emotion, especially if we’re not great at staying present or if the emotion is really strong, we might be switching back and forth from healing to wallowing over the course of our practice.
And that’s okay.
It’s to recognize when you’re doing what, when you’re thinking vs feeling.
And to realize that when you’re thinking about it, you’re holding it firmly in place and even adding to it… “I can’t believe they did this to me! Will this ever stop happening? Will I ever heal this?!”
You’re holding onto it and working yourself up into a lather about it. You’re making a big sticky mess. Fun! And messy.
And that’s okay.
It’s a choice.
You can do that. Just realize that that’s what you’re doing.
You’ve probably been wallowing in the issue that you’re working on for many years… it’s a habit that you’re not going to break quickly. It’s going to take time and patience.
And when you do sit and feel, and heal,
when you do more of the letting the feeing be here in all of it’s awful glory,
more allowing the feeling to express itself,
this is when you’re healing,
this is when you’re letting it release from your system.
When you’ve finally released more than you’ve accumulated, when there’s less charge, it’ll get easier and easier to feel vs think.
I used that metaphor for a really long time. It’s been a really helpful way to think about stepping through the process of healing painful emotions.
2. Am I Bigger Than This Emotion?
The second model that occurred to me recently is a much simpler concept, and really harnesses our ability to notice ourselves, to be self aware. The one above does too, but this method is more helpful if you can maintain that awareness over a longer period of time, or at least have the ability to look back to when you weren’t self aware and honestly evaluate yourself. If you can do that, this one is easier to apply.
It’s a simple question to ask yourself: “Am I bigger than this feeling?”
Am I am I containing the feeling? Am I bigger than the feeling? Am I observing the feeling?
Or is the feeling bigger than me? Is it containing me? Is it overwhelming me? Is it taking over?
What’s the difference here?
If I’m bigger than the feeling, bigger than the anger, if I’m the container, then I’m able to keep track of myself, and be aware of myself as holding the anger.
I have this anger. I have anger versus I am angry.
Elena has anger vs Elena is angry.
Much like having a pencil… I’m not this pencil. I have this pencil.
I’m not this anger. I have this anger.
If I have it, if I own it, it is only a part of me.
I am bigger than it.
I’m bigger than this one part.
It fits in my hand, and I am much bigger than it.
If I’m not bigger than the emotion, then we go back to being the emotion.
Now, I am anger. I am this thing. It is me and I am it.
Effectively, it takes over. I let it take over.
Now, all I’m doing is feeling anger, thinking anger, being anger.
I am anger. I’ve let anger completely take over.
I’m thinking all the stories about it.
I’m feeling it sure, and I’m being it, too.
Like this I’ve lost the sense of being a me with this thing as a part of me. Instead, it is me.
I don’t contain it. It contains me.
And it’s really that simple. Anytime I lose control, anytime I’m not me anymore, I’ve lost consciousness of myself. I stop being the container.
And again, it’s okay. We do both things. And that’s all right.
It’s more just to realize, “okay, when I’m over here, and I am angry, I’ve let anger take over. It is me. It’s bigger than me. I’m overwhelmed by my anger. I’m acting, thinking, and feeling totally from anger.”
That’s not healing. That’s keeping anger in place, stuck in me.
That’s okay. Again, it’s a choice. (well, this is a whole other conversation, and at base it is a choice)
If what I want is to let it go, then whatever I’m doing, I want to make sure that I am practicing getting bigger than my emotion.
And one of the beautiful things about this model, is that it reminds me to do just that by asking myself the question, “Am I bigger than this feeling?” = Am I in the state I want to be in?
The question itself asks me to step into a state of self awareness.
And if I find that indeed I am not bigger than the emotion, I can choose to take a few conscious breaths and get to a place where I remember that no matter what, I am bigger than it.
I am not anger.
I have anger.
This helps us remember that “I am my big amazing self.”
And you are a LOT more than your fantastic emotions no matter how overwhelming they may feel in the moment.
I’m not saying it’s easy to come down from overwhelm!
I am saying, it’s really helpful to remember this during overwhelm. It facilitates the process in a simple, effective way.
And it works even better when you can catch yourself before you get there by bringing this conscious thought to an escalating situation… “Am I bigger than this emotion?”
Of course you are.
And you just brought a whole heap of choice back and switched off the autopilot to overwhelm.
Congratulations.
Hope that Helps,
Eléna