Acknowledge Your Fears, Don’t Cultivate Them!

acknowledge fears don't cultivate them{This article first appeared here, on CoSozo.com Tues, 1 July 2014.}
Let’s face it, if a tiger is about to pounce, we’re not concerned about composing a symphony, we want an instant decision on whether to fight, fly, or freeze. The sympathetic nervous system creates this quick mode at the expense of intelligence, creativity, digestion, and immunity among others. This state has both mental and physical consequences, and in our stress-filled modern world we go into it quite often since our body-mind doesn’t know the difference between a tiger and a deadline.

Because we go into this mode so often, it can become a habit. We can begin making decisions in this limited state without even realizing it. We can find ourselves unconsciously saying “no” to things without even thinking about them. We might push people away, refuse growth opportunities, get angry or impatient, or feel blame or guilt when none of this is warranted.

Eventually, if we begin to notice that something is awry, and we decide to change this pattern, to break this fear-based habit of saying “no” to life, it’s helpful to understand the difference between acknowledging it, becoming fully conscious of it, and cultivating it, making it bigger, stronger, and more intense. Or as I like to say, noticing versus wallowing.

Acknowledging What’s Already There Isn’t Cultivating

One thing I’ve seen over and over, is that as we’re changing a habit and becoming more aware of it, there is a point where we start to wonder if in becoming conscious of it we’re actually making it worse. This is because as we become aware of it, we start to see how big it really is, and it seems like suddenly we have a big problem where there was none. When we weren’t noticing it, it was not there, and now that we’re noticing it, it’s huge. We wanted the pattern to go away, and now it’s bigger. We begin to wonder if it is the fault of the noticing.

Of course, the pattern was there all along, we just weren’t aware of the full extent of it.  Now we are. Becoming aware isn’t the issue. The pattern is the issue, and that can feel daunting.

This is a point to be kind to ourselves, to be patient and to call up our courage and self-compassion. If we choose to go unconscious again we won’t be able to make any changes to our unconscious pattern. If we can stay conscious of it, we can do something about it. If we can be brave enough to face what is happening, to face our pattern, we can change it.

Choosing Patience versus Cultivating

The second place where we often get confused about the difference between acknowledging and cultivating is in how we respond to a pattern as it is happening. We can start by acknowledging the pattern as it is happening, noticing it in order to truly see it, and then start adding to the pattern by feeling bad about it. We shift to making it bigger, stronger, more intense. Now we’re cultivating it. Often we add guilt, shame, blame, anger, impatience, or contraction.

It works something like this:

I notice that I have a fear-based pattern of getting angry when I feel out of control. I don’t like this pattern, so I’m motivated to change it. So far so good.

Then, when I notice that the pattern is happening I get disgusted and say things to myself like, “I can’t believe I’m doing this! This is so stupid! Why is this happening to me?!”  Now I’m adding to the pattern by layering on more fear-based thoughts and emotions.

Fortunately, as soon as I see myself saying things like this, I can make a new choice. I can realize that this is the fear talking, this is me continuing the pattern, and instead choose something else like being patient with myself knowing that changing a pattern takes time. With that kind thought, I’ve moved away from making the pattern bigger and back into acknowledging, into noticing what is happening.

Adding to the habit is somewhat inevitable in the beginning, and as long as we see that is what we’re doing, we can choose to notice that too, and patiently shift back to acknowledging. The trick is to realize that turning the fear onto yourself, thinking and feeling fearful things, is part of the pattern. Remember that you aren’t stupid, bad or wrong, terminally contracted, broken, or whatever your pattern throws at you. That is just the pattern talking. Make a firm decision to choose something else, and keep reaffirming that decision as often as the choice comes up.

You are perfect.

The next time that paper tiger is about to pounce, smile at yourself and know that you have the power to change any habit you have. You have the power to choose. Soon, with a little patience, courage, and self-compassion, you and that tiger will be prancing around together singing a resounding “YES”!
Elena offers quick and easy meditations at ToothbrushMeditations.com and welcomes your feedback to this article. Please share your experiences below.

The Failure Challenge

This is a challenge to reframe failure…

Next time you reach a moment of failure, see if you can reframe it as a moment to reassess what you’re doing and where you are going.

If you’re failing that means you are doing something, so what have you learned? How have you changed? What can you do better now? And has your goal changed?

Failure is a chance to see how you’ve evolved, upgrade what you’re doing and let your goals evolve as you do.

Enjoy!,

Elena

 

Why Fixing Things Doesn’t Work

why fixing things doesn't workDon’t you just love it when you realize something? Like a suddenly you understand something that has never made much sense to you no matter how many times you’ve heard it before? I love that!

Today, I accidentally realized why working on things can be a big waste of time. I had a terrible, melt-down kind of day today. I went to bed exhausted, and when I woke up I didn’t get out of bed for three hours. I laid there feeling into how bad I felt, and inviting it to express itself and move on. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I had crazy dreams that didn’t seem to help much other than make me realize that I was still feeling terrible. Finally, I gave in and got up.

Then I had a business meeting with my husband. Well, tried to. He gently and adroitly asked if I felt like “we” were in any state to have this meeting? He was very calm, as I first baited him and then he just listened as I described how I was feeling. We just sat there in the light of what I just shared.

I didn’t try to fix it. I was just miserable. I didn’t try to make it bigger or wallow in it. I just felt it.

And as we sat there for a few minutes in silence, I shed a few silent tears and started feeling better.

Nothing was fixed. Nothing was solved. Nothing had changed as far as my mind was concerned. And I felt better.

I still feel like I need to really cry and other than that it has passed.

As I was walking up the hill on my way home this evening, I reflected that just shining light on the situation, just sharing it openly and having it witnessed by another was enough. It didn’t need fixing this time.

It just needed to be exposed. Outed.

Like so many secrets or dark things, shining the light on them can be enough.

Walking up, I realized why people say that sometimes fixing things doesn’t work. Sometimes if we jump into fix it mode we miss the opportunity for the problem to go away on its own. We miss the opportunity for it to fix itself. We might even be holding it in place sometimes when we do this, because we move the much needed light of focus away from the problem and shine it on “the solutions” instead.

So, I ask pardon for all of those times I tried to fix anyone! Please forgive me. I am sorry. Sometimes we want solutions, and sometimes it’s better to just give the thing the breathing room to heal itself. Voila! It passes.

Judging Judgements

IMG_2642Oh ho! how fun it is to play with all the poo in my head… and to notice how is plays with me.

I’ve been looking at the all of those things that I think about others and keep to myself… that constant stream of criticisms that form in an instant, come with resentment, anger, sadness, fear, pain, etc., and never get spoken. I keep them in because I think that other people won’t like me if I tell them these thoughts. And I don’t really feel the feelings either because I feel so guilty about feeling them in the first place.

It happened because I was, stuck in my own mud, full to the brim with all of this undigested crud, and someone pointed out that I was full of unspoken judgements! Eek! No one was supposed to know!

Haha. Everyone knows. First of all, many of us do this very same thing, and secondly we feel it when someone is being critical, even if it’s silent and we don’t really know what we’re feeling.

After a week or so of looking at this, this is what is working so far to move the muck.

First, I notice when I’m being critical. “Wow, that’s me thinking that she’s a pain in my bum, again. Oh! And here’s me judging myself for being judgmental again!”

Second, I’ve been feeling the feeling that is behind the criticism. This part is pretty interesting, because I try not to think about it, I try to just feel it, thanks to this interview Benoit Foucher did with Paul Cooper, and what a difference that makes! As he points out, once we really feel it, the reason behind it will surface naturally. And, of course, it turns out that my criticisms are because I’m feeling bad about myself. What a surprise. Haha.

Once I can feel the feeling, things get softer. Whether the reason surfaces or not, just digesting the emotion, just letting the emotion express itself, is making a huge difference.

I’m still judgmental. I’m just much more aware as I’m doing it, so I don’t unconsciously direct the emotion at the other. I stop and feel the emotion and that feels much better. Whew!

All in all, a much nicer place to be!

New Goal: 90 – 10

On top of the Rockies!  I just read this great idea of focusing 90% of the time on positive things and only 10% on negative things.

So all that time I spend fixing what’s wrong, would only take up  10% of my time.

And all the love and laughter would be the ENTIRE other 90%.

That’s a ratio worth living!

This really came home to me yesterday when I realized that this shadow work that I was doing didn’t have to be so depressing… I could actually ask myself to have fun with it. Fun looking at my deepest, darkest crud? Well why not?! I get to decide how I do things, where I focus my attention, where I focus my energies… whether I revel in the bright sides or lull myself asleep with the heavy darkness. So, I’m trying it and so far it’s much nicer. The dark is still dark and I’m reminded to not take it so seriously, reminded to keep my distance from it, that I am not it.

Then this 90 – 10 idea floated by and it felt like a great idea to live by and confirmation of my decision. Isn’t the Universe grand?

Thanks Universe. Thanks whomever wrote that idea down.

Enjoy!,

Elena

 

Acknowledging vs Cultivating Fear

Fear is a natural emotion and yet sometimes we have a hard time interacting with it in a healthy way. Unconscious, fear-based habits can be especially tough to break.

Here’s a simple method that helps me break fear patterns.

I’d love to know what you do to break your fear patterns.

Enjoy,
Elena

What kind of meditation should I do?

Trail MarkerWant to learn to meditate? Not sure where to begin? After 10 years of practicing and 4 years of teaching here are my suggestions. 

Most people are surprised when I tell them I quit meditating after two weeks of trying. I made a big mistake. I like to move, and for some odd-ball reason I decided to sit still and focus on my breath. I was terrible at it. I gave up in frustration, and it wasn’t until I was introduced to moving meditation a few days later that I began to discover how amazing it can be.

Now, I consider meditation my main power tool, my absolute best tool for transformation. It is with out doubt the single best thing that I do to realize the joy of being human. It’s that useful.

First, what is meditation?

For me, “meditation” refers to two main things: meditative practices and meditative states.

Simply, the practices are things you do to achieve the physical, mental, emotional, energetic and spiritual states.

There are thousands of practices, each suiting different kinds of people, and just as many states, each depending the skill level and goals of the practitioner.

Second, let’s look at the different kinds of practices.

I like to define each practice by what it focuses on. Almost all practices focus on breath, and then fold in an additional focus like a mantra (a word or words you repeat), an external object (a candle, an image of a flower, etc), mental visualizations (imagining yourself at relaxing places like the beach for instance), or  your movements (for moving meditations).

So, a really important question for you to answer is, what you would like to focus on?

Are you auditory and would enjoy saying/singing a word or phrase? Are you visual and prefer looking at things?  Do you have a strong imagination and enjoy visualizing?  Are you kinesthetic and like feeling the sensation of your body moving? Or do you want a combination of several of these things?

When you’re searching for a meditation to learn, look at different practices and determine the focus(es) of each. Then decide which one is most likely to naturally capture your attention. Decide what would you enjoy focusing on.

In the beginning, usually most challenging thing is the act of focusing at all, no matter what you choose to focus on. This is why it’s important to choose something that naturally captures your attention, something that you enjoy focusing on. Be kind to yourself and choose something you want to pay attention to!

There is a meditation out there that will interest you: singers can sing, poets can speak, painters can gaze, dreamers can dream, dancers can dance, etc. Find the artist in you and play. If you find the idea of play uninspiring, you just might be one of the few people who would enjoy starting out with a silent, sitting practice that focuses solely on your breath. Go for it!

Whatever it is, you can imagine that if you start by focusing on something that you like paying attention to, focusing will be that much easier. 

Country ParkThird, let’s think about the states you want to achieve.

There’re a wide range of goals to go for, all the way from stress reduction to uncovering divinity. Meditation has it’s roots in the metaphysical exploration of reality, and in the modern world you have the option of going as deep – or not – as you like. You can simply meditate for 3 breaths to lower your cortizol levels or you can spend the rest of your life in a cave realizing your divinity. It’s all being offered, so you’ll want to decide where on the continuum to start your exploration.

You can’t tell the goal of a practice by how it’s done, by the physical mechanics of it. That 3 breath stress reduction meditation can be the exact same practice used in the cave. The difference is in the intention. The intention will change how the practice is talked about, the words used in the instructions and most importantly where the practitioner is willing to go with it. The stress reduction practitioner doesn’t pay attention to the deeper effects, doesn’t cultivate them, and thus may not allow the practice to draw her deeper into herself. The cave dweller does those same 3 breaths, relaxes and pays attention to the ever subtler layers of subterranean information welling up inside her. Same physical practice, different intentions.

When you’re looking at a practice and wanting to determine its goal, notice how the practice is being talked about, what words are being used and what outcomes are listed. If the description doesn’t make the intention clear enough for you, read through the instructions themselves to see if they resonate for you. You can also look for the intention of whomever is presenting it by checking out the site it’s posted on,  reading more of the book it’s in, or asking the instructor.

Fourth, how do you stay motivated to meditate?

You can learn meditation from a book, an article, a video, an online course, an in-person course, etc, etc, etc. If you start searching online you’ll find many many practices that you can study.

Many people find it really motivating to do things with other people, so establishing your practice by doing it with others can be really beneficial. In the beginning, I recommend taking a class with other students and a live teacher (on or off-line). This is a great way to get any questions answered, discuss your experiences and get encouraged by other students, as well as helping you create a habit over time – at least for the length of the course! Alternately, you ask people if they want to be practice partners and meet regularly to do the practices in person or on-line or  exchange emails or texts regularly about your practices.

There are online courses available with live teachers and discussion forums where you can share your experiences and questions with other students. If you want to learn in person, look around and see what’s available in your area and go with the one that feels the best, i.e. you like
the people and the setting, which will translate into the most supportive environment for you.

DaVinci

Finally, transformation…

What ever meditation you choose, give your practice a bit of time, a chance to succeed.  In the beginning, even simple things like breathing can feel like a challenge! Like most things, it get’s easier with practice, so be patient.

These disciplines are life changing and will likely shake some things up for you. Find a trusted friend that’s willing to listen, or journal when you need to reflect on what’s happening for you.

Meditation is a power tool for transformation. At first you may feel like a two pound weakling wielding a sledge hammer. Be patient. Soon you’ll uncover your inner Da Vinci.

Enjoy your practice.

Toothbrush Meditations!

Toothbrush Meditations Power Tools for Relaxation

Hi guys!,

I’ve been busy! I’ve just launched the Toothbrush Meditations… 10 second meditations that you can do whenever you’re feeling stressed. They help you relax instantly, while you’re being productive doing other things, you  do a 10 second meditation and Voila!

They are a meditations that I’ve been doing for years… I wanted techniques that I can do anywhere, anytime and these are what I came up with for myself.

About 6 months ago, I decided that they were too good to keep to myself, so I’ve put them in a format that we can all share!

Check them out at ToothbrushMeditations.com.

And please let me know what you think – on the page, the text, as well as the meditations themselves! Your feedback is very, very welcome! If you give me any feedback I’ll send you a free bonus meditation in thanks.

With Joy,
Elena

3 Steps to Empowerment, Step 3: Empowerment

Once we can see and accept ourselves, we begin to have choices about where to put our energy. Do we keep doing what we’re doing, or do we focus our energy on something else?
The empowerment to make this choice comes from the clarity of awareness: knowing what we’re doing, and the openness of acceptance: allowing whatever we’re thinking, feeling, doing to be here.  Because we’re open to our thoughts, feelings and actions (and not denying, resisting, and contracting around them) they can shift and change and thus we are in an empowered space… we have choices about where to focus our energy.
There are many ways to reach this stage of empowerment, of being in a space to make real choices about what we’re doing… to go from fine to fantastic…
I’d love to know what you’ve done in your life to get to this place of fully aware choices?
Enjoy,
Elena
theJoyLab.net