Calming the Mind

How to Get Better at Mindfulness

If your goal for mindfulness practice is to be more mindful (present, aware, conscious), then the first thing to remember is that good or bad practice isn’t defined by how calm your mind or emotions are.

What?!

I know. Most of us fall into that trap of thinking a calm mind means we’re having a good practice and a busy mind means bad practice.

It’s tricky because there’s a lot of (mis)information out there that says the goal of mindfulness practice is to calm your mind. And, of course, then you naturally think that should be calming your mind when you practice. Calm mind = good practice. Busy mind = bad practice.

Frankly, it’d just not true. The goal is awareness. Not a calm mind.  (Realize: Your mind can be totally crazy and you can be aware of it.)

Then it get’s even trickier!:
One of the side effects of mindfulness practice is a calm mind. And the more we practice, the more it happens.

AND it’s so enjoyable when it happens that we can start to make it the goal.

The problem is that it’s an unreachable goal, so if you start to make it your goal you will fail. Why? Because it’s your mind creating this as a goal. Your mind thinks it wants to calm itself, and this is a thought. The mind cannot calm thoughts with more thoughts. It’s sort of like fire trying to put itself out with more fire. Yikes.

What does work is to notice your thoughts, notice “I’m thinking.” By noticing your thoughts, you stop adding to them, you stop fueling the fire and it naturally calms down. This is because the part of you that notices your thoughts is actually larger than, or outside of, your mind. By practicing observing your mind you learn to naturally step outside of it into this bigger part of you. When you step out, you stop adding fuel: you take your foot off of the gas. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, rest assured that you do this all of the time without realizing it. Stepping into observation or witness mode is natural, you just don’t realize that’s what you’re doing. That’s why we practice this on purpose when we meditate – so that become aware when we’re doing it. Easy.)

This is how you get better at mindfulness: Simply, practice noticing whatever is happening.

Noticing a crazy mind is just as good as noticing a calm mind. The point isn’t to attain calm. The point is to get better and better at noticing, to be more and more aware, more and more conscious of whatever is happening. If you notice that your mind gets calm while you do this, great. If you notice that it gets even more crazy, great. You’re noticing. That’s good practice.

So, notice your crazy thoughts and emotions. Practice being aware of them. Come back to that over and over.  You will get better just by doing it. That’s how you make your practice better. Notice.

You will improve. 100% guaranteed.

Is Your Happiness a Priority?

Are you noticing increased levels of anxiety and depression around you?

I’m sad to say I am. And since those are two common outcomes of modern stress, my first thought was, Oh my God, we’re getting more stressed. Really?!

But, actually I don’t think it’s that. I’m not even sure it’s possible for us to be more stressed, because that would require that we be even more busy, take on more, do more, etc. … and there’re only 24 hours in a day.

What makes more sense to me is that we’re seeing the cumulative effects of all of these years of stress we’ve been enduring. After 5, 10, 20 years of overtaxing our bodies, we’re seeing these results of constant biochemical overload: more anxiety and more depression.

So if that’s what’s happening, the question becomes, is it worth it? Is whatever you’re doing that’s creating this constant stress worth your health and happiness?

That’s a serious question to ask yourself. And it’s not so easy to answer with honesty. Most of us have too many conflicting desires that are as deep as power, control and survival. A few little things to deal with…

What if you do want to move in the direction of more health and happiness? Would it help to start small? What are the little, simple, easy things you can do right now? Today? What things are you willing to do every day? Can you take more breaks, or eat lunch everyday, or relax every day, or, or, or? Can you prioritize you?

It’s an important question to ask yourself. It’s even more important to realize that you make these decisions each day, everyday, all day. You’re constantly prioritizing your health and happiness. Or not. Anxiety and depression aside, stress isn’t a great companion if you want a long and healthy life. And happy? I’m sure happier when I can think straight versus running in circles with my stress reactions. Little steps, everyday help me a lot. Maybe they’ll help you, too.

I finally understand chanting! Yay!

(video 5:40)

I had an awesome “Ah-ha!” moment this week! I finally understand what people are talking about when they say that, “Chanting cleans the mind.”

I realized that I could replace the broken record of pain I was spinning and replace it with a song or chant of joy. Ah ha! That’s what they mean! Chanting gives us a chance to replace our unproductive thought loops with something productive! Got it!

You can choose any song or chant or phrase that you like. It doesn’t have to be spiritual or religious – though there are lots of those to choose from if you like! – it can be a pop song! I’ve been singing the line, “You are so beautiful to me.” in my head for years without realizing that I was doing something great for myself. Now I’ll do it on purpose when I want to change a loop.

Pick something that you like that has the feeling or the emotion that you want, and sing or chant it in your head. Don’t worry about how well you sing or how it sounds, because no one will hear it but you! And you’ll be much happier with your uplifting words than the painful ones that were looping around in there before.

Try it out and let me know what you think.

If you’re in Hong Kong, you can chant with Cristina Rodenbeck at her group sessions. Lucky you! You can find her at Manipura Wellness.

She suggested some great chants in English, which you can find on Spotify or Youtube. There are more spiritual and as we like to say are vibration lifting. :)
Here are two: Ancient Mother and Waves of the Sea both by Sacred Earth.

Looking at Shadow AND Light?

(video: 2:03) Sometimes when I’m willing to look at my fears, to see what’s bothering me, I get overwhelmed with all of the things that I don’t like – everything feels bad! It’s like once I start looking at what I’m not happy about that’s all I can see – more and more things I don’t like!

What can I do about that? I realized that it was really helpful to also look at what I like! Duh!
Balance is key. Then I can still face what’s not working AND not get overwhelmed by it. Shew!

Why is Everything Wrong?!

(video 6:33) I often have this dilemma when I’m facing my issues: once I start looking at what’s wrong, EVERYTHING seems wrong! It’s like the whole world seems sour. Negativity takes over. Yikes!

So how can I look at what’s wrong without that taking over everything? How can I look for negativity and not have negativity color everything?

For instance, there were somethings that I was uncomfortable with and I felt that it was a good idea to start admiting outloud that I was uncomfortable – sharing why I was unhappy with the people around me so that they knew what was going on with me. Sounds like a healthy thing to do, right? Except that I started realizing I was uncomfortable with A LOT of things… I started seeing discomfort everywhere! To the point that it was super exaggerated! Argh!

That wasn’t helpful either!

I didn’t have a solution to share, until after I made this video (see the next one). I wanted to share this with you to say if you’re feeling this way you have a friend!!!

How to Start a Mindfulness Practice, Part 3

Part 3 of 3: The last thing that every beginner needs to know is that you will keep thinking during your mindfulness meditation practice and THAT IS OK! In fact, thinking is an important part of the practice.

Mindfulness meditation + Thinking = Good Mindfulness Practice!

I know you don’t believe me. I know you think you have to stop thinking in order to be mindful. You believe you aren’t practicing mindfulness when you’re thinking. It’s a common myth and one that’s really hard to let go of… I imagine this is because we come to mindfulness thinking that our thoughts are the problem and we want to get rid of them!

Mindfulness doesn’t get rid of our thoughts. Mindfulness helps us work with our thoughts in a way that makes them less of a problem. Mindfulness doesn’t make the problem of thinking go away, mindfulness makes friends with thinking and turns it into something we work with – not against.

What if you’re knee was misaligned and really painful because you’d been walking in a way that hurt it. You probably wouldn’t want to cut it off. Instead, you could work with it, re-train how you walk and eventually re-align your knee. This is how mindfulness works with your thoughts. We don’t try to cut them out, we train ourselves to work with them in a better way.

And you don’t have to believe me! This is the best part. To find out for yourself, practice for a while, and experience for yourself what the present moment includes for you. Notice if you have thoughts and experience if you are able to be aware of yourself thinking. Experience how this begins to change your relationship with your thoughts.

How to Calm Your Mind, Part 2

(video 12:04min) In Part 1 we covered the idea that when we’re practicing mindfulness, and when we’re being mindful we’re going to keep thinking… And that actually we WANT to think (gasp!).

And now we want to know why we’re told during practice that we should “let go of our thoughts”? If thinking is ok, then why do we need to let go of it?

Great question! On to Part 2!

How to Calm Your Mind, Part 1

(video: 9:44min) “I can’t stop thinking!” is the number 1 complaint I hear when people start practicing mindfulness.

We’re stressed! We want the madness to stop! Doesn’t mindfulness help us calm our minds and let go of thoughts?!

Well yes, and no… Mindfulness helps you change your relationship with your thoughts. It does NOT make them go away. This new relationship is less stressful and more calm.

For most of us, this new relationship takes a bit of explanation to understand. Most instructors know it’s actually more comprehensive for you to experience it than try to explain it to you… which means that before you experience it you’re confused about your goal during practice. You think you’re supposed to stop thinking.

 

So what are you supposed to be doing? And how will it help? Here are two videos to help you unravel this mystery.

Help! Can’t Concentrate!

(video: 2:49min) Every 3 months or so I drink a cup of coffee (love the bitter + sweet!)… and then remember why I don’t do it often! I get super jittery, my mind goes 3-million miles an hour and I can’t concentrate! Yikes!

Yesterday, I had this experience while working at a coffee shop, and after struggling for a while I stopped and practiced mindfulness for a few minutes.

Whew! That 3-minutes saved my day! After that I could focus again. I was really thankful to have that tool handy.

Next time you can’t concentrate, take 3-minutes to practice, and see if it helps!