Hello, Beautiful Souls.
Many of us have learned the importance of taking responsibility for what’s happening in our lives… for the very practical reason that then we can do something about it!
When I find myself blaming someone for something that’s a sign that there’s something inside I’m not wanting to face. When I calm down enough, I sit with it (do some kind of practice that helps me explore what’s inside, see below for a free guided meditation you can use for this).
Why do we blame others for our problems in the first place? Certainly, many of us were taught to and frankly, it feels good to receive sympathy when things are going bad.
The challenge here is that blame creates helplessness, because “they” are doing something to me. I am not in charge of the situation. I make myself smaller than “they” are, whomever they happen to be… classic examples are the government, the medical system, even the weather. For me, a big one that comes back again is federal tax agencies… having lived in 5 countries, I get to face that one anew over and over again. Trying to figure out what to do every time is not fun, and “they” are the source of a lot of pain and angst. If they are doing this to me, I am in a disempowered state and my only options are helplessness and complaining.
And while it feels great to receive sympathy, it doesn’t do anything to solve my problem. We can even create a sort of black hole of not return… we feel helpless, we complain, we receive sympathy, we feel seen though noting changes, we’re still helpless and so it continues in this negative feedback loop.
I was sitting in a cafe the other morning, and my husband and I finished talking just in time to hear the barista finishing her log diatribe about what “they” had done to her. The two women listening, sipping their morning coffee, expressed emphatic agreement, “That’s terrible that they did that to you.” “It’s unthinkable!” said the other.
And that was it. No problem solving. No ideas offered. Three intelligent souls, and they stopped right there. They could have at least thought of one thing the barista could do to ameliorate her situation, but that wasn’t the goal. The goal was blame. And sympathy.
The true cost of blaming others is that we’re not actually solving our problems.
We’re staying stuck in it, in a rut, going around in circles of helpless and blame.
Add in a dose of sympathy and we’ve got all the ingredients for being stuck there for a long time.
With my taxes, when I can calm down enough, I do a practice that helps me face what ever I’m feeling. With my taxes it’s the fear of being wrong, a pretty deep fear that when I go deep enough with it feels like life or death… like if I get things wrong I’ll get thrown out of the tribe and I’ll die. That’s pretty hairy. I’d much rather blame “them” than feel that. So I do, until I get calm enough to face it. Then I can relax, own my part of the situation and start looking for solutions. I stop running around in circles and start facing the problem. Usually, I get help from a local who knows what needs to be done and that is that.
I’m not saying it’s easy.
I am saying it’s very worth it!
Here’s the meditation I use a lot for facing the pain, Sensational Awareness. This one focuses on physical sensations, and it can be used for emotions as well.
Enjoy,
Elena
