Last month, a week after my partner left for the States, I was standing at the kitchen counter making lunch when my fingers landed on something sticky. “Gross!” Disgusted, my thoughts ran down their habitual rails, “Damn it, Benoit! Why don’t you ever clean the counter?! You don’t care about keeping the kitchen clean!” As I unstuck my fingers, a mortifying realization dawned, “Oh no! He’s been gone a week! This mess is mine!”
Cue guilt, shame… “God, why do I always blame him? He’s not even here! I can’t believe I’m so mean to him! I’m so unconscious! There must be a million things I’m not taking responsibility for! How am I ever going to fix this?!”
And therein lies the rub.
How can we ever stop doing things we’re unconscious of?
As we all know, we can’t…
Not in the moment anyway.
Not in the moment we’re doing them unconsciously.
We’re on automatic. We’ve made the decision to do the things so many times, that now the decision gets made unconsciously, no conscious thought needed.
It happenings before we know it.
That train left the station before we realized we were on it. Ouch.
There is a way though. The trick is to start noticing the pattern earlier. To have that, “oh no!” moment closer and closer to the moment of decision… In this case, it’s to notice that I’m blaming him for something faster, so that eventually I notice that I’m about to do it, before it happens. Then I can make the choice: board the blame train? Or not?
In comes The Green Zone:
Fast forward to a few days later, sitting on the sofa, listening to an interview of clinical psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson describe a simple grounding tool he calls The Green Zone.
“Hey! I can use that tool to ground in consciousness the moment I notice what’s happening! The “oh no!” moment. Sweet!”
Getting into ‘the green zone’ will interrupt the blaming pattern even more, helping me calm down and get clearer about what’s happening. I’ve noticed over the years that tools like this that help get me calm and clear in the middle of deeply unconscious patterns, speed up the process immensely.
It’s a much faster to get to the point where I can feel the train coming and decide not to board… before it even gets close.
Everybody is happier.
How to use Green Zone to calm down & become more conscious:
As soon as I have an “Oh no! I’m doing it again!” moment, I derail the unconscious process by heading towards The Green Zone.
- 1st: Calm the body-brain by checking for safety. Ask, “Am I safe right now?“
I might have fears or worries around the edges, worries about getting my van repaired or where I’m going to get my new suitcase… but, “Am I basically ok?” “Yes.” “Is a shark biting off my leg?” “No.”
Ok, good. Feel being safe.
- 2nd: Calm the body-brain by checking for happiness. Ask, “What am I happy about right now?“
We can all find something we’re happy about. I’m happy we have a great mechanic, and that I finally found a luggage shop even if it is an hour away.
Shew! Gratitude! Feel happiness.
- 3rd: Complete by checking for connection. Ask, “What am I connected to right now (or who)?“
We feel goon when we’re connected to something: an animal, a person, nature, the divine… You might feel your connecting to a pet, a loved one, a friend. I find it easy to connect with nature. It’s always here, and very comforting.
Connect… Feel the connectedness.
As you can see, this is a simple way to get the nervous system to first calm down and then open up.
And this week, while I’m still blaming my husband for stuff he didn’t do (LOL), “That mess in the bathroom sink!… oh no!”
I now have a quick way to get off the blame train and make the whole pattern more conscious…
I slow everything down:
pause, ask, and feel deeply into,
“Safe. Happy. Connected.”
The steaming ahead in red,
slows down and turns green.
Beautiful.
It’s helped me be more conscious every time I’ve used it.
Even if I do have to clean the counter… :)
I hope that helps.
Enjoy whatever you do to feel safer, happier, more connected, and more conscious.
Enjoy,
Eléna
Images of trains in Moldova, Thailand & Scotland thanks to frimufilms, tawatchai07 & Sklorg.