I know, for most of us the idea that we’re not our thoughts, emotions and sensations sounds ludicrous at best.
Someone telling you that is either insane or trying to sell you something. Or maybe trying to get you to join something (which is the same thing really).
I mean, for most of us we are our thoughts! That is completely our experience. And saying it’s not is irrational – it’s denying reality!
It’s nuts!
Except that it’s crazy-making, all this stuff in your head, and you want out. Maybe they know something you don’t?
I recommend short practices for all beginners. Short meaning 2-5 minutes per practice. And the inevitable question is, is that effective? Should I practice longer?
The real question here is how long should I practice in order to get the best results?
My answer is, as always, it depends. As soon as you know why you’re practicing, what result you want, then you can answer that question yourself. The tricky bit is getting clear about why you’re practicing…
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
Lately, I’ve been noticing how helpful it is to be traveling this path of self-development with other people!
Practice In A Group
Today, I had a powerful practice with another person. It’s the kind of practice I do daily, and I had forgotten how powerful it is to practice together… When we’re moving in the same direction together, magic happens. Synergy is a real thing… one plus one is four. :)
Think it’s boring or too tough to fit in regularly?
Here’s a fun way to play with mindfulness: simply bring all of your senses into really enjoying something you like to do.
Like walking your dog? Next time, play with noticing as much as you can on your walk…. What does your dog’s coat look like? The trees or buildings? What else can you see? What can you smell? (What is your dog smelling?!) What’s the temperature? Is there a breeze? Can you feel the sun or the chill in the air? Is there a scent in the wind of the sea or grass or rain or wet pavment? How many birds can you hear? Cars? What funny noises does your dog make as she’s sniffing around?
Bring all of your senses into whatever you like doing and let yourself be there more fully… You’ll enjoy it even more.
And how lovely that this is a great way to practice mindfulness!
Before my first husband and I divorced we were fighting a lot. At some point I decided to bring my mindfulness practice into our fights and that changed everything!
It was slow, to be sure. It took about 6 months before we stopped fighting, and can you imagine how powerful that was to go from daily fights to none?
Honestly, that was one of the things that made me realize just how powerful presence really is!
You can apply this same simple method to any difficult relatives you’re going to be with this holiday season. Hopefully, you don’t fight daily!
Here’s how: when Uncle Joe is saying whatever awful things he says, be really present with him. Instead of focusing on how he’s wrong and what you’re going to say in return, focus on what he’s saying. Really listen to him.
And notice your breathing at the same time.
This will help him feel heard, which is what he really wants anyway, will help you hear and understand him on a deeper level, and most important will help you stay calm. It may take a few sessions like this, and soon you’ll be able to listen and realize that what ever he’s saying says a lot more about him than what ever he’s talking about.
You’ll realize that you don’t need to take his ideas personally. You’ll see that they aren’t yours and you don’t need to be so reactive. Eventually, you might even be able to respond in a calm and rational way, which while may not help him totally, will be a lot better for you both than what you’ve likely been doing which is probably something like fighting with or ignoring him.
I just read this great article in Mindful Magazine about defining mindfulness. I think that they make some really great points including that mindfulness is the natural ability to be aware of where we are what we’re doing (and when we aren’t we tend to get anxious), that there many different ways to practice it, no belief system is required (nor negated) and that it brings out the best in everyone.
Be in the moment.
And like most people when they discuss mindfulness, I think that they miss a really cogent point that causes a ton of confusion: being in the moment does not mean you stop thinking about the past and future.
Oh contraire.
That is a logical mistake and an important one to correct. (Not that they make it directly, they just imply it and don’t address it.)
We keep hearing and saying, “Be in the moment. In the here and now. Don’t get lost in thought, thinking about the past and future, and lose touch with were you are in the moment.” This I agree with totally.
On the other had mindfulness doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t think about the past and future. We need to learn from the past and consciously create our futures. If we never did these things we’d be aimlessly moving though life, never improving our lives or evolving our selves.
Being conscious while thinking
Mindfulness isn’t about this. Mindfulness isn’t about giving up your ability to think or grow. It’s about doing these things with awareness. The conscious part is what’s important.
Being mindful means that when you think about the past and future you do it with awareness. You’re aware that you’re in the present, the here and now, thinking about another time. It means that you’re conscious about thinking about what happened and what could happen. Simply, you keep in mind the whole time, “I’m sitting here thinking this.”
This is an amazingly important point. And so many people misunderstand it that I’ve discussing it with practically every single client I’ve ever had.
Thinking isn’t the problem
I find this a weird disconnect. Why would the mis-belief that thinking is a problem be so widespread?
I imagine we don’t question it because most of us have a hard time with our thoughts and emotions. We want our busy minds to stop. We see them as the source of our problems, the obstacle to inner peace.
The issue here is that it’s not your thoughts and emotions that are the problem. The problem is that you get lost in them. You abandon yourself to them. And then you believe them.
The good news, my friend, is that they are not your problem. You don’t need to stop them, or calm them, or even make them go away. You just need to be aware of them. You need to be sufficiently conscious of them that you start to see/remember that you are not them.
Practice to realize your truth
This comes with mindfulness practice. As you practice being aware of yourself, of your thoughts and feelings and sensations, you realize little by little and giant leap by giant leap, that you are much bigger than they are.
This isn’t an esoteric idea or some kind of state or place that you have to achieve. This is who you already are. You’re already bigger than they are. You experience this naturally every time you become aware of yourself (example: notice that you’re sitting/standing there reading this and voila, you’re bigger than your body-mind). Simple, huh? Not rocket science.
The only difference between experiencing that as unimportant and experiencing that as evidence that you’re bigger than your thoughts is that you haven’t done it enough. The more you do it, especially being aware of yourself while you’re thinking, the more obvious this becomes.
And most importantly, you need to do it for yourself. You need to find out for yourself whether this is true or not. Definitely don’t believe me. Be the arbiter of your own reality.
Meditation is my power tool for self transformation. It’s the thing that I do that makes all of the other self transformation tools actually work!
Before it, I couldn’t see myself as clearly, which made changing things difficult. With meditation, I can see my patterns, when and why I’m doing them, and that’s invaluable for evolving them.
Meditation isn’t self-transformation in itself. It is self-observation. Self-realization. Self-knowing. That’s invaluable.
If I can see myself, I can change myself. If I cannot see myself, it’s much harder to even know that there’s anything that needs changing!
I’ve practice meditation since 2004 and the changes that it’s helped me make are so compelling that I continue to practice to this day.
Excellent question! One I don’t talk about much, in part because it’s difficult to explain!
Mindfulness is an experience and experiences, by nature are easier to experience than explain. It’s a lot like describing the experience of what an apple tastes like to someone who’s never tasted an apple. I can describe my experience, and how much better it is to just hand you an apple!
Likewise, it’s much easier for me to share the experience with you and have you decide from your experience why to practice mindfulness – or not – than it is for me to describe my experience and have you decide.
So, in this case, I’m going to stop writing and say, watch the video! Have the experience and draw your own conclusions.
I will say, as I do in the video, that mindfulness make my life richer. I’m much more aware of what’s going on inside and outside of me. This awareness adds texture, sound, complexity and vividness that otherwise I would miss.
It also helps me notice my uncomfortable unconscious and/or habitual patterns… and as uncomfortable as that can be (!!!), that knowledge allows me to start changing them. Of course, I use all kinds of other tools to help me change any deep psychological-emotional patterns. Mindfulness (awareness of them) isn’t enough. What mindfulness does allow me to do is recognize that those patterns exist (recognition is an important step!) and notice when they’re happening so that I can apply the tools of change. Mindfulness is the meta-tool that allows all of the other tools to work. It’s a kind of superpower that supercharges everything else.
Test it out. You might like it. If not, there are lots of other ways to evolve!
