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Relationship Rescue: From Abuse to Amuse

Relationship Rescue“Sometimes things are so bad that I have to laugh so that I don’t cry.” David Deida

As fas as I can figure, there is no miracle cure for fixing relationships.

There are things that we can do to make them better, tips and tools for improving this or that.

But making the whole thing sublime? Nope. Not that I’ve seen.

Too bad, as far as I’m concerned. It would be great if my relationship with my partner was the cleanest, most beautiful, light bearing thing in my life.

Instead, while it is a source of great joy, it is also happens to be the thing that uncovers my darkest parts. It shows me where my demons are; handily pointing out all of the icky, nasty, icky things that, frankly I would rather just keep hidden in the depths.

On the other hand, this is also one of the greatest gifts that my relationship gives me. It points out in glaring detail and no uncertain terms, where I’m needing growth and change.

It pinpoints exactly where I need to shine some light.

One thing that my relationship has been showing me lately is my tendency to get angry. My partner thinks that I’m the cause of the anger, that I initiate it, and of course I think that he does. Is one of us unconscious about bringing the anger or are we both? This is an endless argument that our shadows could enjoy fighting over forever.

What seems to matter most is, what can we do to stop being angry in the first place?

How can we stop it as it’s happening and even better how can we stop it before it starts?

Great questions.

Usually, if I’m writing about something it’s to share some tip or tool that I’ve discovered to be really helpful. Not this time.

So far nothing that we’ve tried works. This issue seems to require some deep excavation and a big does of bravery as we shine our lights into the recesses… we may need a light house versus our standard flash light approach.

How do we do that, we’re wondering?

We’ll probably use many of the familiar tools for illumination: meditation, journaling, shadow work, inner child work, conflict resolution skills, psychoanalysis, dreamwork, journaling, rituals, etc, etc, etc. Big moments of clarity and insight will happen eventually.

In the meantime, it just hurts, so I’m trying to remember to not take myself too seriously.

I try to remember that we’re both human, having this wacky human experience, that I don’t really know why I’m here and what any of this means… and that in that case I’m free to laugh or cry as I choose. That in the larger sense, there is no clear reason to choose one over the other, so why not choose to laugh?

As I’m looking at this painful issue that feels so abusive with no clear way to fix it, this is the one thing I can think of to lighten the situation. Laughter.

I can cry in frustration.

Or I can laugh with delight… Yay! Another shadow dancing into the light!

Elena Maria Foucher blogs her experiments in joyful living on the Joy Lab at ElenaMariaFoucher.com. She teaches meditation and stress management in Hong Kong and is the creator of simple, quick meditations you can learn while brushing your teeth at ToothbrushMeditations.com.

(This article was first published in the online magazine CoSozo.com)

Second Chances: How Loving an Abused Animal Opened My Eyes & Healed My Heart

Second ChancesI live in a tiny neighborhood at the top of a very long hill. I’m far from the throngs of Hong Kong and ensconced in the wonders of nature. It’s truly an honor to be a citizen of such an urban environment and to live where I can hear crickets sing, watch hawks soar past the balcony and rain sweep over the bay.

Obviously, I live on the outskirts of Hong Kong. Instead of being among the cosmopolite, I’ve chosen to live among an extended family of villagers, kind hearted souls whose grandmother rules the root and does her flock’s laundry each morning. It is a beautiful, clean and quiet setting.

When I moved in I was delighted to notice a lovely husky, well tended, on a chain under a tree at one end of the property. I love dogs and it was great to know our neighbors did too.

Or so I thought. It became obvious pretty quickly that though she was well cared for as far as being fed and her area cleaned twice daily no one spent any more time with her than that. Her caregiver ignored her and no one took her for walks. Ever.

When I gently inquired it turned out that a cousin had installed her there when he moved into an apartment that didn’t allow dogs with promises to retrieve her soon. That was three years ago.

This husky has been on a chain for three years. She’s been there day in and day out. No walks. Wow.

I was shocked.

It was heartbreaking to know that no one cared enough for her to fill her basic need for exercise, and the idea of being confined to a two meter chain, day in and day out was unthinkable. I felt terrible. This was a tragedy that I couldn’t bear. Every time I looked over at her from my balcony I felt so sad I wanted to cry. I couldn’t live next to this kind of cruelty and not do something about it.

What was I going to do?

I asked if I could take her for walks. Grandmother said, thank you, but no. She didn’t want to be liable if anything happened to me or the dog or anyone else. Her reasoning made sense and I knew better than to argue with grandma, so I gave up trying to rescue her that way.

I decided that the least I could do was to send her loving looks instead of showering her with sadness from my balcony. I decided that at least I could send her love, even if from afar.

And that’s when things started to change.

That’s when I got a chance to see this situation from a different place.

As I started to look at her with love and without my filter of tragedy, I began to be able to see her again. I started to be able to see how she felt instead of projecting onto her how I felt. I began to notice that she wasn’t sad at all. In fact, she was quite happy! How could that be, I wondered? I began to watch her carefully, my heart open.

As the days past, I noticed that she took pleasure many things. She wagged and shook with joy every morning and evening as her food was delivered, and took delight in the woman who gave it to her even though the woman ignored her. She didn’t mind. She was still happy to see her. She was content regardless. Amazing.

She enjoyed the scents that wafted up the valley and she would often walk over to the edge and sit and sniff the wind and watch whomever was walking up the hill. And wonder of wonders, she even took herself for walks. What I had thought were the neurotic movements of a trapped animal trying to get off her chain were actually the happy wanderings of an animal content to walk as much as her chain allowed. Almost daily she calmly walked the full perimeter that her chain allowed, stopping now and then to sniff things and check out the latest leaf that had blown over or insect that had landed on the flowers next to her. She varied her walks, going in one direction one day and another way the next.

Mostly, she just seemed content for no reason at all. How interesting. I wondered if I would be able to keep my head up and interested in the world if I were captive. Her interest, her contentment seemed to be a part of her regardless of her captivity.

And all of this would be pure conjecture and me just trading my sad blue glasses for rose colored ones except that I finally got up the nerve to go over and make friends with her. I’ve spent a lot of time with dogs, so I knew to proceed with caution in case she had lost her socialization or was aggressive (defensive) when approached by a stranger. I wanted to make friends, so I was very careful not to scare her. Also, she’s a big dog. With big teeth.

It took me almost a month of slowly gaining her trust before I got close enough for her to carefully sniff my hand. Only, once I finally got there she wasn’t careful at all. I needn’t have worried. Turns out she’s super friendly and loves to say hello. From that moment on, whenever I approach she wags and prances and plays and almost knocks me over with kisses and love. She’s only complained twice when I walked away from her, and both times I knew that I was leaving in the middle of playing and that we weren’t done yet. She was right.

I’ve spent a lot of time with her over the two years that we’ve lived here and I can honestly say there’s so much love and happiness in that dog, it’s astounding. She’s extraordinary. She’s one of the happiest dogs I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. Probably one of the happiest beings I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.

She gave me a second chance. A chance to open my eyes and see what is really happening inside her. A chance to see what freedom really looks like. Through her I’ve begun to understand how Nelson Mandela handled all those years in prison, emerging strong and free and whole, and why Moojii said once that a man free in his heart can be in prison and yet be the only free person around.

She shows me that freedom comes from within as I greet her from my balcony every morning. And yet everyday I meet humans walking around in prisons of their own making. The contrast is amazing. She’s free because she chooses freedom. Many of us are in prisons of unhappiness and discontent because we choose them. This dog understands that. I can see that she does. I hope that all of us can understand that as well.

(And bless the aunt who has recently taken her on two walks!! I’m trying not to hold my breath, or bring my needs into it, but I am really happy at this turn of events! May we all be free inside and out!)

Elena Maria Foucher blogs her experiments in joyful living for the Joy Lab at ElenaMariaFoucher.com. She teaches meditation and stress management in Hong Kong and has created simple, quick meditations that you can do while brushing your teeth available at ToothbrushMeditations.com.

(This article first appeared in the online magazine CoSozo.com.)

Real Talk: Speaking and Listening About Things That Matter

Speaking&ListeningOur relationships are the most valuable things we have. They are the gold that helps make life worth living.

One of the biggest challenges in my relationships is resolving differences in ways that celebrate versus denigrate each other. Sometimes the gold can get so beaten out of shape in these situations that it breaks apart.

I’m learning the art of respectful disagreement the hard way, and I’d like to share two big nuggets of wisdom in the hopes that your road to mastery can be smoother than mine.

Nugget 1: Sometimes all you need to do is listen.

One of the best things that my first husband and I did when we were separating was to attend a class on conflict resolution. We didn’t end up using the method of Nonviolent Communication that we learned. What we did do was take some of the principles of that class and develop a method for discussion that worked for us. We stumbled onto brilliance, and created the most peaceful and loving break up I’d ever had. Mostly what we did was learn the power of listening.

What we discovered as we went over issues we’d been fighting about for years was that we didn’t actually know what the other person thought.

What? How could that be? We’d heard the same arguments from each other over and over again!

How could we not know the other person’s arguments?

It turned out we hadn’t actually been listening.

For years.

Yikes.

How did that happen? I imagine that at first we were too hurt and angry and defensive and in a hurry to get across our pain. That we were too upset to slow down and listen to what the other person had to say.

How can that deafness continue for 12 years? All I can say is that when I think I’m right, I generally don’t pay attention to anything else. All I can hear are my thoughts, my logic, my reasoning. I didn’t listen to him because I assumed that I knew what he was saying. Ouch.

Now that we were willing to take the time to hear what the other person was saying, we were equally amazed at what we were hearing.

“Wait, you’re not mad that I used savings to buy the motorcycle, you’re upset because I didn’t ask you about the color?! Really? … Oh. …. Sorry about that, I didn’t realize the the color mattered to you.”

And poof, that was done. Gone. Over.

We’d been arguing for years and in 5 minutes of actually listening, we cleared up the whole thing.

Amazing, right?

90% of our discussions were like this.

Seriously.

It’s astounding what some focused listening can accomplish.

Nugget 2: Even if you think that you understand what the other person is saying, check.

This, in fact, is how we discovered that we weren’t listening. We checked.

How did we check?

One person would say what they thought about an issue (for a set time) and the other would remain silent and just listen. Then the listener would repeat back what they understood the first person was saying.

So, note that the listener isn’t mentally preparing their argument in response, they are listening for understanding and saying what they understand.

Then the first person confirms and clarifies, confirming what matches their thinking and clarifies what doesn’t. The listener says what they understand from the clarifications and this repeats until both people are satisfied that the listener understands the speaker.

Then you switch roles and the listener becomes the speaker on the topic.

Sound tedious? It can be! We found it incredibly helpful to have a structure to follow when things got heated. When hearts and minds start bending out of shape, it’s helpful to have guidelines and limits that you’re both happy to follow.

If you want to get better at conflict resolution, I encourage you to find or create a method that you and the other person both like. Do things that encourage clear listening and check for understanding even if you think you understand already! How will you know if you don’t ask?

And no matter what you’re discussing, remember how much you value the person in front of you and your relationship. Remember that you enrich each other and make life that much more golden.

Elena Maria Foucher blogs her discoveries for enjoying life on the Joy Lab at ElenaMariaFoucher.com. She also teaches meditation and stress reduction in Hong Kong and is the creator of simple meditations you can do while brushing your teeth at ToothbrushMeditations.com.

(This article was first published in the online magazine CoSozo.com.)

Spiritual Awareness through Cultural Immersion

Spiritual Awareness thru Culture

Enlightening Radio Interview: Spiritual Awareness through Cultural Immersion

Christine Andrew, owner of CoSozo Wellness interviewed me for her Enlightening Radio show. Here’s what she wrote about it:

“Every moment in our lives has the opportunity to provide deeper awareness and insight into our true essential nature. Traveling to and living in a completely foreign country or within new cultures and belief systems enables you to confront and encounter awarenesses that you perhaps might not have the opportunity to experience any other way.

Joining our conversation today is Elena Foucher, the Founder of the Joy Lab in Hong Kong. Elena delivers short and easy meditation tools and tips that you can literally do any time. She also has a fascinating backstory with Enlightening Radio host Christine Andrew. On today’s show, we’re not only discussing that rich history, but also some of the insights that you can gain in your life, whether you’re in your own backyard or half way around the world!

There’s a rich and deep world within each of us. Use the messages and examples of today’s show and dive on in! For more information about Elena and the Toothbrush Meditations, please email Elena@ElenaMariaFoucher.com or visitwww.toothbrushmeditations.com.”

Recorded 23 August, 2014, click the link at the top to listen to the interview.

Enjoy!,

Elena

The Right and Wrong Mentality: Is It Right for You?

Paris Street Art - Right & Wrong BlogThe right and wrong mentality and I are having a fight. It thinks it’s right. Go figure.
The basic problem isn’t so much that my mind likes to constantly calculate what is right and what is wrong – about everything – the problem is more that it won’t stop!

This is a problem because I am beginning to suspect that this kind of mental calculation actually narrows down the vastness of reality, the cornucopia of possibility that we all exist in, into two measly options: right and wrong, good and bad, black and white. It takes the multiplicity of any moment and makes it boringly binary.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. In fact, the past 3 days have been an absolute hell as I notice myself incessantly working to prove myself right in every situation. This takes a tremendous amount of my energy! I’m running this constant mental calibration system, processing all incoming data and making sure that I am on the “right” side of all of it. The hellish part is that I can see how, for me, it is driven by an intense fear of ever being “wrong.” Ouch. I imagine that it is the depth and intensity of this fear that makes it so impossible to stop.

For instance, when people are talking I notice my mind constantly providing my own assessments of what they’re saying by comparing my own experiences and pulling up reason after reason for why my assessment is right. It’s down right exhausting.

Someone could be talking about breakfast cereal and why they like it and my mind immediately comes up with a position (they are right or wrong and) starts sifting though all that I’ve read, heard and experienced to prove my point. Even if I know that I’m not going to make a comment, I have all of that internal research ready.

You do this about breakfast cereal? Really?
Yep. Really.

Actually, I’ve noticed that I do this about everything that gets spoken in my presence. Everything that I happen to read, or watch, any situation that I’m experiencing, and even the random thoughts that float through my head get this treatment. My mind is in constant motion.

It’s compulsive.

Oh my gods, I think that I just realized that I am Obsessive Compulsive! I’m OCR (Obsessively Compulsively Right). Great. I wonder if I’ll get a hospital wing named after my disorder.

I think that intellectually many people can accept the idea that there are more ways to think about things than right and wrong, than black and white, than good and bad. I can. I can also imagine that many of us would like to break the cycle of fear that keeps us treading this path over and over… We’re probably all tired of being OCR.

What would thinking outside the box of right and wrong look like? What would keeping your mind open be like?

One thing that you can do is to play with some thought experiments to discover this for yourself. You can use these to experience what your world can be like when you allow the cornucopia to be here in every moment.

1.) What If?
What if that breakfast cereal was good and bad? (right and wrong)
What if that breakfast cereal was neither good nor bad? (neither right nor wrong)
What if that breakfast cereal was really good right now and had the possibility of being not so good in two hours? In two minutes? In two seconds? Right now? (holding right and wrong lightly, allowing them to change and be fluid)

2.) Staying Open to All Ideas
What if there were no such thing as right and wrong and there was only the discussion of right and wrong for fun? Can you argue both sides of an issues and decide on neither? Let them both be true and not true, and also leave lots of open space for many, many other ideas?

3.) Lots Of Possibilities
Pick something you’d like to think about and write it at the top of a page, like this:
Should I eat whole bran flakes for breakfast?

Then write the numbers 1- 20 down the left side of the page and make a list of 20 reasons why and why not as they come into your head. Write down all of your ideas; the ones that you feel are realistic as well as the ones that feel crazy… allow all of them onto the paper. Go for creativity! See how interesting your list can be. The goal here isn’t to convince yourself one way or the other (we’re not trying to be OCR now) it is to open your mind to lots of possibilities. The goal is to realize that as infinitely creative beings we can actually come up with all kinds of reasons for anything if we allow ourselves, and how fun and creative that is!

The freedom to think like this allows for expansion and depth that simple binary right and wrong thinking does not.

(Note that writing down all of the numbers 1- 20 first will signal to your brain that you want it to come up with 20 reasons. It’ll be much easier to do! Try this with any list you’re making.)

My brain actually thanks me when I play like this. It’s like cleaning out the cobwebs, opening the starting gate and letting the thing do it’s job! It LOVES it! Turns out the cornucopia is alive and well inside my head as well as out in the universe around me. How fun.

Enjoy,
Elena

Elena Maria Foucher shares her delight in slicing through the sticky stuff of life on her blog, the Joy Lab at ElenaMariaFoucher.com. Feel free to share yours below!

(This article first appeared in the online magazine CoSozo.com.)

Getting Out of Your Head and Into Your Heart

getting out of your head and into your heart{This article first appeared here, on CoSozo.com, Tues, 1 July 2014.}

For the last decade people have been telling me that I live too much in my head and that I should live more in my heart. That idea of going from my head to my heart was really confusing at first. I thought people were suggesting that I stop thinking and focus only on my emotions, or suddenly fall in love with everything and everyone. That all seemed pretty difficult to do, and thankfully as I began to figure out this head to heart business, I realized that none of that had to happen.

To my great relief, it’s just a simple shift of focus.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

If you’re like most people, you spend a lot of time thinking: thinking about what has happened in the past and what will happen in the future. All day, every day, you’re doing pretty much the same thing: living in your head.

This is such an ingrained habit that most of us don’t even realize that there is anything else that we could be doing.

The thing about always thinking about the past and the future is that we miss what’s actually happening right now, where we actually live. We’re so busy paying attention to the past and future that we miss the present, where the action is going on, where the juice is, where all the things that we’re thinking about really exist, where life is really happening.

What do I mean when I say that we’re not really here?

An Experiment in Living

Try this little experiment and see what you can discover for yourself.

Stop for a moment and notice your body. Notice little things like your feet or thighs pressing down onto the ground or seat. Notice how the fabric of your clothing feels on your legs, your belly, your back, your shoulders, your arms. Notice as many sensations as you can: air moving over your skin, tension and softness in your muscles… anything and everything you can feel.

Pay attention to how long you can notice your sensations before going off into stories about them. How long before a twinge in your knee sends you thinking about how far you ran yesterday, and did you remember to start the washing machine after your run, and don’t forget to buy more laundry detergent, and did you put that on the grocery list? And you keep going, on and on, one thought after another, until pretty soon you’ve totally forgotten that you’re sitting there because your mind is somewhere else!

We miss a lot, because we spend so much of our time thinking about living and so little of our time actually focusing on living as it’s happening. We’ve all had those timeless moments where we really noticed the full depth of the moment: rocking a baby, at the crest of a high dive, taking in a fantastic view, looking deeply into the eyes of a lover… These are those moments when we get a glimpse of what we’re missing, a glimpse of being fully aware of what’s happening in the moment, the richness and depth of living.

Shifting From Head to Heart

The nice thing is that this is really simple to change.All that is needed is to shift your attention to where you are and what’s happening here. The challenge is that your habit of thinking is probably pretty strong, so you will need to keep re-focusing your attention on what’s happening until this new habit is formed.

Another nice thing is that there are lots of things that you can do to facilitate this new habit. Focusing on the body moving through space is often a good practice because the body is always doing something right here and right now. Anytime you want to shift your focus to living your life, check out what your body is doing. Notice where your body is contacting the ground or chair or bed. Notice what that feels like and immediately you are focused on living your life as it’s happening.

As I got out of my head and dropped into my heart, into myself, an amazing thing started to happen. I started to slowly notice how deep my inner landscape is, and how rich and full life is when I can actually be here in it. Everything is much more pleasurable. Now, I spend all day, every day doing pretty much the same thing: practicing this awareness of my life as it’s happening. When I realize I’m lost in my head, I simply shift my focus back into my self, where the juice is, where it’s all happening, where I live my life.

This process could really be called moving from Head to Self.

Head to Heart just sounds a lot sexier.

Elena has been practicing awareness since 2005 and has recorded seven of her favorite practices at www.ToothbrushMeditations.com. They’re quick and easy, 10-second meditations, that you can do anywhere and anytime you want to focus on living your life.

3 Steps for Shifting Fear

3 steps for shifting fear{This article first appeared here, on CoSozo.com, Tues, 1 July 2014.}
Fear is a natural emotion that our body-mind uses to let us know that we may be in danger. That’s great unless we’re experiencing fear more often than our situation actually warrants. Living in our modern world exposes us to multiple daily stresses, and the body-mind interprets many of them as dangerous, serving up fear when it isn’t actually necessary. We may find ourselves reacting in fear to all kinds of things, and notice that we’ve actually built up a strong fear habit, like building a muscle.

How do we change this pattern?

Here are three simple steps that I’ve used successfully for shifting many of my fear-based patterns.

Step 1: Pattern Recognition – What do you do when you’re in your pattern?

Identify one or two things that you do that signal you’re in your habit. 

Your fear habits aren’t random. Generally, you react to specific events with specific words, actions, thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

The good news is that you only need to be able to recognize one or two of these things to be able to notice when the pattern is happening.

So, how do you recognize a pattern, especially an unconscious one?

First, imagine something that you react to with fear.

Do you have a hard time receiving things? Do you worry about things like food, weight, money, sex, or relationships? Do you push people away, shut your heart down or refuse to take chances? Do you get scared when you think you’re wrong or feel out of control?

Then, choose something light so that you can stay conscious of yourself, and start looking, listening, and/or feeling the pattern so that you can identify a few simple signals that tell you you’re doing it.

Finally, ask yourself some questions so that you can start identifying some signals. One or two of these questions will be easy to answer, and that’s all you need.

What thoughts or emotions do you have when you imagine this?

Many people have impatient, depressing, angry, or anxious thoughts or emotions. What are your thoughts or feelings?

What things do you say?

Many people will use indicative words like “should” or “never” or “can’t” or “won’t”, put themselves down or blame themselves or others. Listen to your internal dialogue as well as what you say to others. “I can’t believe I did that! I shouldn’t have done that! What an idiot!” are great indicators. What kinds of things do you say?

What things do you do with your body?

Many people will have habitual body movements like turning away their head or shoulder, clenching their jaw or hands, shallow breathing, or tunnel vision. What do you do?

Step 2 : Pattern Separation – Realizing that you are not your thoughts and feelings

Recognize that you and your patterns are separate things. 

Now that you have a few signals that indicate your pattern, notice that your pattern is a set of mental, emotional, and physical “actions.”

You have thoughts and emotions like you have possessions. You have them like you have clothes. You can put them on and take them off. You can change them and no matter what you have on, you are still the same person underneath.  You can think one thing, and then think something else, and no matter which of those thoughts you are thinking, you are the same person.

Likewise you are not the actions that you do. You can throw a ball up and then throw a ball down, and you are still you.

Why is this important?

Because this means that you can separate yourself from your thoughts, emotions, and actions by realizing that you are not them. You can realize that they are things that you are having and doing, and that you can choose to not have them or do them. You can choose something else.

This is crucial.

As soon as you realize that you have a choice, then you have a choice. As soon as you realize that what you have and do is not you, you have a choice about what you have and do. Or don’t have and don’t do.

This is the beauty and the challenge of changing a habit. You have the power. You have always had the power. Once you realize that you have the power then you can use it. You can consciously choose to say “yes” or “no” as you like. Changing your habit may still take a bit of time, and at this point it helps to make a strong commitment to change, to love yourself enough to say yes when you are used to saying no. Usually you’ll have to recommit, over and over, until the change is made. This takes patience and self-compassion, and a sense of humor helps a lot.

Step 3: Pattern Break – Making a new choice

Now that you can recognize when the pattern is happening, and realize that you’re separate from it – that it is a choice that you are making – you can begin to choose something else.

In the beginning, if the pattern is really strong, it may help to choose something very simple like focusing on your breath instead of focusing on your fear. Generally, the body is a great place to start because it places you firmly into something tangible.

When your pattern arises, you might just notice your breath moving in and out of your body or your feet on the ground, or where your elbows are, the quality of light that you can see in the room or the sounds you can hear. If one of your indicators is a habitual body position, like clenching your jaw or collapsing your chest, simply softening your jaw or lifting your shoulders is a great place to start.

You will find that all of this gets easier and easier as you do it, and as you build this new muscle, soon your choices will expand to clarity, creativity, excitement, joy, love, expansion, lightness. Enjoy your power to choose. Enjoy saying yes!

Elena offers quick and easy meditations at ToothbrushMeditations.com and welcomes your feedback to this article. Please share your experiences below.