There’s an old Chinese proverb
…that goes something like: the things you despise in your enemies are the things you despise yourself.
Or, the things you most dislike about others are the things that you most dislike about yourself.
In other words, “Hello, projection.”
Take a breath here, and ground into some safety, because you’re going to need to be comfortable in order to drink this in deeply enough to make a difference.
Blame, being frustrated at someone for something going wrong, is a perfect example of this kind of projection. The thing to understand here is that whatever you’re blaming them for stems from some behavior that you don’t like in yourself.
The goal here isn’t that you never blame anyone, it’s that you harness this understanding for personal growth. You see through the game. You notice you’re blaming others, and start looking at what it means for you, why it frustrates you so much… Then start down the road of healing what’s underneath.
I had a really striking example of this last week
At our nicely appointed little Airbnb near Richmond Park in London, I was emptying the drying rack and noticed a cup that’d been sitting there for 3 days. Immediately, I started blaming my husband who was off coaching, “That’s still here! Why haven’t you put it away? I know you don’t know where it goes, because I found it in a far cupboard, but why didn’t you look around and figure it out?! Why are you being lazy and assuming that I should put it away?!” (Never mind that there’s like 4,000 cabinets in this Airbnb, with an equally large assortment of dishes arranged in them…)
I’m grumbling about whether I’m going to leave this stupid, freaking cup in there – for the third time.
(Yep, I’d had this exact same stream of thought three days in a row, waiting for him to put it away. But not even that is what had me question this pattern.)
While I’m grumbling, I notice right next to the cup is a pan that I didn’t put away yesterday…
Why?
Wait for it…
…because I didn’t know which of the 4000 cabinets it went it. Instead, I left it for him to put away.
“Oh crap.”
In a flash, I realized I’d done the very thing that I was so worked up about.
In front of me sat incontrovertible evidence that I’d done the exact same super frustrating thing.
I’d been “lazy,” and assumed it was “his job” to put the pan away.
“Ouch.”
It was so clear that I stopped mid-gest, mid-blame, and contemplated what was happening.
An unconscious pattern was starting to thaw…
I began to ask myself, “What’s happening inside? Why is this so important? Why am I so frustrated?” and, ulp, “What am I projecting onto him?” Why did this silly cup warrant three days of blame?
Pretty quickly I identified it as part of the long string of unconscious ideas and behaviors that my parents modeled for me (and their parents modeled for them, etc.) around wealth, poverty and gender… a big mess that makes housework even messier. Obviously, I haven’t managed to heal all of those unconscious beliefs. There are patterns underlying the frustration to acknowledge, to own and hold with compassion.
When Dislike Isn’t Projection
This is not to say that I think that every time I judge something as disagreeable, that I have some underlying unconscious pattern to heal. Sometimes, I just don’t like something, and would just prefer something else. This is perfectly healthy.
The difference is that simple dislike doesn’t carry the emotional charge of frustration. It’s the difference between not liking the taste of a soup vs winding up into how terrible the host is to have served me such a horrendous thing.
One is simple. I put my spoon down, say “No, thank you,” and move on.
The other is a full blown emotional reaction that lasts past the few seconds it takes to kindly request a different dish.
A Parable to Help Distinguish Dislike and Projection
One day, two monks, who’ve taken an oath to not touch women, are walking along a path and they come across a beautifully dressed woman who’s sobbing.
“What’s wrong?” says the younger monk, “Is there anything we can do to help?”
“I’m going to my wedding, but the river has risen and washed the bridge away. I cannot cross without ruining my wedding clothes, and I don’t know what to do.”The older monk, takes one look at the river, carefully picks her up and carries her across. She bows, deeply grateful and hurries away.
The monks continue along until the younger monk, who’s been quietly brooding the whole time, stops and puts an agitated hand on the other’s arm. “There’s something I don’t understand. How could you have broken your oath and remain so calm? You don’t seem upset at all.”
The older monk looks at him and replies, “My friend, the difference here is that I put her down back there by the river. You’re still carrying her.”
And that my friends is a good measuring stick… am I still carrying her?
Length and size of reaction are key.
Three days is a long time to be carrying a cup around.
And can I say, “No, thanks,” and move on or am I wound up?
Takeaways
Unconscious beliefs and behaviors are by definition really hard to see. Usually, we need our friends to point them out (and not everyone is as kind about it as the monk!). Or we become conscious of them by their aftermath: we’re always frustrated about housework or we don’t ever want to visit that horrible host again. Looking at blame on the other hand, using it as an indicator for underlying frustrations in ourselves is an excellent way to unearth the unconscious.
The most important thing here is to go lightly.
Breathe.
Be kind to ourselves.
Seeing this kind of thing, especially since it has so much emotional charge, can be painful.
We can redirect the frustration and pain onto ourselves.
Being angry at my husband for not putting away the cup can quickly devolve into self-deprecation, “I’m as bad as he is.”
Or worse, getting in touch with the deeper pain can open a geyser of shame insecurity, inadequacy, etc..
Resourcing is important.
You are not alone.
You are allowed to make tons of mistakes and have a full on ICEBERG of unconscious patterns driving your sweet person through life.
We all do.
Looking at blame just helps you see some of them.
It makes some of them clear, brings them to the surface.
It helps you start getting out of that endless cycle of blaming others for your own unconscious fears.
It helps you stop blaming your enemies for things that you can heal in yourself.
And in the best case, it helps you put down your blame, open to compassion, and melt that particular part of the iceberg into the open ocean of consciousness.
Photos thanks to Hamim Fadillah, Siraphol Siricharattakul & Deepak Verma